Your teen’s cluster {{Giveaway}}
If you came over from Encouragement for Today, welcome!
If you watch teen movies they often show a teen longing to sit at a popular table in the lunch room. It’s the first clue that this movie was made by adults who don’t live in a real teen world. Most teens will walk past that table to sit with friends who are loyal, who like them for who they are, and who they can count on to be there the next day.
It’s called the cluster – three to five people where you fit and feel like you belong.
I interviewed hundreds of teens when writing my book, Real Issues, Real Teens: What Every Parent Needs to Know. It was when I realized that family had taken on a new definition. A few years back “family” was a group of people who lived in the same home. It might include a mom, dad and siblings and Spot the dog.
Today a teen might live in that or a similar situation, but their idea of family is where they feel loved and accepted. It might be a circle of friends. It could be the family next door, or a youth pastor and his wife, or a group of guys who ask for loyalty and promise the same. It could be a guy who says he loves her, or a girl who promises she’ll be true to him alone.
It’s the new cluster.
Are you in your teen’s cluster?
Suzie, I’m not my children’s friend. I’m their parent.
Let me ask you again. Are you in your teen’s cluster? Do they feel safe in your home? Do they know they are loved (even if they are in the learning stage)? Do they feel accepted (even if they are a work in progress)?
If teens do not feel welcome in their churches, their youth groups, or families, they will leave—emotionally or physically—to find a cluster that will accept them. And sometimes that is when our teens get in trouble.
Parenting is hard work, and especially so in the teen years. I’m not blind to teen’s faults. I have worked with and loved all kinds of teens. Teens with a hard shell around their heart. Teens who are friendly and inviting. Immature teens and wise teens. At-risk teens and teens who have made few mistakes. I’ve even worked with teens who got up and walked away when I sat by them, making me feel like I was in middle school all over again.
But I’ve learned that almost every teen will open up if they genuinely believe that you care about them and see the best in them.
So let me ask the question a third time: are you in your teen’s cluster? Does she know that you believe in her, even when she’s struggling to believe in herself?
Does he know that you are his safe place when the world outside the door is tricky to navigate day by day?
Does he or she hear words like “I love you” even when you are training, teaching, or disciplining? Do they know that you are dealing with the behavior, but still love the person standing in front of you?
I hope you’ll check out the book, Real Issues, Real Teens: What Every Parent Needs to Know. It’s a book that changed me as a parent while I wrote it as I listened to hundreds of teens talk about faith, peer pressure, sex, family, communication, and much, much more.
I’ll give away one copy of this book to a commenter below. I’ll draw a name on Monday! (Be sure to leave a link or e-mail address so I can contact you.)
Posted by Suzie @
6:18 am |
my list
Some have been making fun of me lately. It’s okay. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.
And besides, the list has brought balance into my life.
My daughter walked into my home office a few months back. She spotted a piece of paper on my desk. It had a massive to-do list. Some tasks were X’d out. Notes were scribbled in the corner, on the back, and up and down the sides.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“My list,” I said.
“That’s not a list, mom. That’s a mess.”
It was. Every day I put way too many tasks on it. Some tasks were carried over day after day, month after month. Dare I say year after year?
You think I’m kidding. I had one task that was a great opportunity. But it had five tasks that needed to take place in order to make it happen. So, it just popping up and then getting moved back to last place–again.
I had to do something, but what?
I decided that my list had to mean something. It couldn’t be unreasonable. It had to fit my real life because I don’t just write. I don’t just minister or travel. I make phone calls to sort out insurance. I pay bills. I clean house.
So my list had to include at least some elements of that. Every day.
But my real life also had other elements. I play. I lunch with friends. I shop. I hike. I raft.
Once the list was complete, real life outside work had to begin. The list had to have a beginning and an end.
My first day was eye opening. I listed one task that would take about three hours. I listed two or three others, things like “email agent about idea” or “make dental appointment”. My list wouldn’t have more than six items on it.
It would be doable.
It took into account an approximate time of how long it would take.
And when it was done, real life play and relationships began. Work was finished.
I did it the next day.
And the next.
And then one day I put that monumental task — the opportunity — on the list. It had five different steps. It would take all day. It went into the mail that next day (because it was on the list: ship CD).
There are no messy sheets lying around. I’m tackling my to-do list every day and things are actually getting done.
It’s second nature now. I’m getting a lot done, but work doesn’t dominate my life either.
So, make fun of my list all you want. I’ll just add one more task to my new list: Hang out w/friend.
And we’ll talk about it over lunch.
Posted by Suzie @
6:37 am |
life and rebirth
Jack’s funeral was held while I was away this week. It was hard on so many levels. I was literally a thousand miles away. I was teaching, on call and on point. My students deserved a teacher that was enthused and excited. The conference deserved a keynote that would encourage and motivate them toward their dreams of writing.
But the details that floated to me from home were beautiful.
Over 900 people came to celebrate Jack’s life. The large church was filled. Flowers blanketed the podium. A choir sang. People worshiped. But then at the end they played one of Jack’s sermons. His voice filled the church as he simply talked about faith in Jesus Christ, what it meant to him, what it could mean to others.
My son called and I could hear that it moved him. He said that hearing Jack speak the Word was powerful. Richard said that he was moved by the fact that so many shared their stories of how Jack’s life touched them. Many had become believers due to Jack’s ministry — but not always from the pulpit. It was those one-on-ones I was talking about in the last post. Sitting around talking about Jesus. Many walked away from those conversations with renewed or new faith.
Jack’s life on earth is over, but the rebirth of new life and new faith goes on.
What a legacy.
Posted by Suzie @
10:27 am |
Passion Denied
June 24, 2009 | books
I bet that subject title got your attention! It’s not a personal confession, but a book that I’m reading. Julie Lessman has written several novels and this is Book 3 in the Daughters of Boston series. It’s a book about love denied. Elizabeth O’Connor falls for her mentor, John Brady. He’s everything she wants in man, except he sees her as a little sister.
She makes her feelings clear and he pushes her away.
More than a story, it’s a picture of what happens when a man feels unworthy to accept woman’s love. It’s accepting God’s love and forgiveness, but it’s also waiting on God’s timing when you want to make life happen.
If you like love stories or historical fiction, Passion Denied is a book you’ll want to read.
I look forward to sharing an interview with author Julie Lessman in the near future!
Posted by Suzie @
1:01 pm |
if you can’t be the poem…
If you can’t be the poem, be the poet.
Today Richard’s uncle Jack passed away. I don’t know if anyone ever accused him of being a poet, but I believe his life was inspiring.
Jack became a part of the Eller family over 50 years ago. It all started when he spun in and out of Ab Eller’s driveway with his hotrod car to court a young girl named Dessie Eller. Her father might not have appreciated Jack’s shinanigans, but Dessie certainly did. They married. She was only 16, but it was a commitment to love for a life time.
Jack was bigger than life. A preacher. A pastor. A father who shamelessly loved his daughters. A man who still winked at Dessie and teased her, even if she was fussing at him (deservedly so, I am sure). A grandpa who loved his grandchildren and great-grandchildren like crazy.
He was a handsome man. In the older days they would have called him dapper. But he was far too young for that title. Handsome works just fine.
He was a little bossy and opinionated at times, but gentle and fun at the same time. How does that work? I don’t know, but it worked well for him. At the Eller get-togethers you would find him in the kitchen, hands immersed in soapy suds, telling us the best way to do it.
What I loved best about Jack was that he was always ready to talk about Christ. If someone was missing at the family get-togethers, and Jack was missing too, we knew. Somewhere they were sitting, standing, immersed in conversation about Jack’s favorite topic, God.
He preached a thousand sermons in a little church on Ash Street in Muskogee, OK. But over the last several months he’s preached a more powerful sermon. Trust. Faith. Humor. Bravery.
Cancer sideswiped him. It wasn’t what he expected, nor what he wanted. I’m sure there were moments he complained or was angry, but when I saw him he somehow mixed humor and faith.
He found a collection of great-looking hats to cover his head when his thick head of hair fell out. He made jokes that might have made a stranger uncomfortable, but to his family we knew it was exactly how he intended to face this battle: full of life and sometimes even with a joke at his own expense.
Jack passed away yesterday at 11:30 a.m. surrounded by family. They hadn’t left his side in the past few weeks. Sons-in-law mowed. Children played. Daughters fussed. Dessie loved.
I’m in Pennsylvanie. A long way from home. When I received the news it wasn’t a surprise, but in a sense it was. This was simply a man who was too full of life to die.
And yet this is the good part. He believed every word he ever preached. And Jack preached about Heaven.
I’m sure he’s sitting somewhere in heaven right now, his jewel-laden crown cocked at a fashionable angle, talking about his favorite subject.
But this time it’s a little different. His favorite subject is right there with Jack.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear that conversation.
We’ll miss you, Jack. The Eller family loves you.
Posted by Suzie @
7:35 am |
This week on Christian Momlogic
We’ve been busy over at Christian Momlogic. Lots of giveaways. 385+ women have joined this thriving community. I hope you’ll join us. Here’s what is new this week at Christian Momlogic:
Posted by Suzie @
7:38 am |
leaving on a jet plane - again
I’m flying to PA this weekend, speaking at St. David’s Christian Writers conference. I’ve never been to Pennsylvania before and look forward to seeing a new place.
I love teaching at writer’s conferences because it reminds me of when I first started. I see them holding on to their dreams, the eagerness to learn, and sometimes the frustration when they feel overwhelmed by starting something so new.
Maybe you’re a writer. I hope you’ll connect at one of the many Christian Writers conferences around the country. A couple of great ones coming up are:
She Speaks
Glorietta Christian Writers Conference
Or if a conference isn’t possible right now, join one of the free groups online where people from CBA congregate and talk about publishing, writing, marketing, and taking it to the next level, like:
The Writers View 2
Fellowship of Christian Writers
If you are one of the conference attendees who will be in attendance, I look forward to connecting with you!
Posted by Suzie @
7:38 am |
retro Suzie
I’ve been trying to lose weight for six months. Not be a skinny, skinny girl but a healthy old lady one day.
The broken collarbone and messed up shoulder slowed me down — way down. And now I’m back on track. I’m taking it slow, working out every morning and making baby steps of progress.
Leslie and Melissa, my daughters
But my girls have been fussing at me. Not about my work outs or my progress. They are great cheerleaders, but about my wardrobe.
Show your arms, mom!
You mean hoppy and bob? Are you serious? These arms don’t get to come out and play, kiddos.
Stop wearing jackets, mom. You’re wearing layers and it’s summer. Aren’t you hot?
While I’m thankful for my fashion gurus, I’m not always comfortable with my flaws.
But what am I teaching my girls about growing older gracefully? And who cares if my arms aren’t as toned as Michelle Obama’s. I’m working hard at being fit, and that’s all that matters.
So, I bought a dress for the wedding (the one where I wore my dancing shoes). It was retro. Fun! Large blocks of colors. It was sleeveless, something I was thankful for on the dance floor and in the Oklahoma sunshine earlier in the day. I poofed my hair in a miniature beehive, threw on the black strappy heels, and let hoppy and bob enjoy the dancing in the cool air.
It was retro Suzie. Not just the dress. But before having babies, or turning 40….almost 50.
(This is a pic of me with my son, Ryan. Isn’t he tall and handsome?)
Every once in a while I need to publicly let my girls know that they aren’t just fashion gurus, but wise women in the making.
Thanks, girls. I love you like crazy. You too, Ry.
Mom
Posted by Suzie @
7:03 am |
Intentional Living
Every day I make a thousand decisions, and most of them are unimportant. Will I make lasagna tonight (yes)? What will I wear today (Sooner T-shirt, jeans, and sandals)? There are other decisions that seem just as simple, but carry a great deal more weight.
How will I respond to that remark? Will I laugh today? Will I turn away from you? Will I gossip, speak in anger, fight over things that really don’t matter? Will I be in a bad mood?
As the big 5-0 approaches, I realize that my life isn’t a whim. I can life live intentionally.
I don’t have to gossip. I can turn away that anger with kindness. I don’t have to lose my cool. I can say good things when I talk about my children. I don’t have to have my way every time.
Today Ryan came over for lunch and I laughed until I cried as he hoola-hooped on the Wii Fit. I wish I had a video to show you!
But, it wasn’t a laughing day. I’m under pressure to complete some deadlines. Bills are due. I realized a few minutes before that the huge stack of CDs I made yesterday to send out in the mail today were of my church choir singing instead of the writing workshop I thought I was copying.
I’m not even in the choir so I’m not sure what happened! It’s a mystery. Is it frustrating? Absolutely.
But life will go on. I can’t go back, so I’ll start over. Maybe I’ll even learn something.
But today I chose to laugh and life is so much better for it.
Intentional living isn’t ignoring the tasks or pressures or the emotions that make you want to karate chop someone in the throat, but it’s putting them in the proper perspective. It’s giving them less space in your life and relationships, and making more room for things like laughter, encouragement, spontaneity, peace, stability.
How do you live life intentionally? What gets in the way? What is one thing you can begin to do differently today?
Posted by Suzie @
4:00 pm |
bloggy friends
I was unexpectly inspired on Tuesday night. I spoke at Fellowship of Christian Writers in Tulsa, OK and got to meet with two bloggy friends for the first time!
Cheryl drove from Coffeyville, KS and Flea lives right in Tulsa. I met both of them when I used to blog on Boomer Babes a couple of years ago. These interesting writers and fun ladies quickly became friends online and we have stayed in touch. How awesome to discover that they are just as interesting and funny and warm in person!
On another note, I do need to apologize to the church, Kirk of the Hills. I was given four pieces of cake on a plate to take home. I’ve been on a “let’s stay healthy” routine since January (lost 12 pounds!) so my initial response was “sorry, but I can’t have cake”.
But they convinced me there were no calories in it.
I accidently left it on the hood of my car while I loaded books and things. I realized several miles later what I had done.
I’m truly sorry for the cakey mess I must have left in your parking lot!
Posted by Suzie @
2:13 pm |
