MIL’s get a bad rap, or do we?
May 20, 2008 | family
Josh was the first. He and Melissa married three years ago. He instantly felt like family. I knew his mother gave birth to him, and I would never take her place, but he felt like my own.
And then Leslie came home. She talked about a guy named Stephen. This was big news because Leslie was in law school and my beautiful daughter dated no one, except “friend dates” and study dates. She was focused on her career and law school. Unlike Melissa, who tells us everything, Leslie is more reserved. If she was talking about someone, he was a big deal.
Four months.
That’s the amount of time both of our daughters gave us to plan a wedding. No year-long engagements for the Eller family. : ) As we planned, I wondered, “would we/could we love Stephen as much as our first in-law child?”
They just celebrated their first year of marriage. We fell in love with his silly antics, singing and swooping Leslie off her feet. He’s a lawyer, too, so there’s a serious side, but he’s in love with my daughter and a joy to know, and I’m grateful to call him son-in-law.
And then there was Kristin.
Ryan and Kristin have been married for 8 weeks. She’s blonde and beautiful, and she is crazy about my son. And I’m falling for her too. She’s sweet and fun, and affectionate. Once again I am blessed with another grown child to call my own.
Ah, Suzie, that’s nice. So, you have your little utopian family and nothing ever goes wrong. But what about mine? 
Did I say that? I didn’t. There have been adjustments as our family expanded. The word mother-in-law gets a bad rap, but sometimes we paint that ugly picture with a brush of our own making.
As Josh, Stephen, and Kristin entered our lives, my role changed, but I’m still mom–but now to six instead of three. Instead of directing, I’m encouraging. I’m listening. I’m a friend, a sounding board, a safe place where they all tumble in and we experience “family”. There’s a learning curve, and I’m determined to grow in this new role.
It’s easy to make mistakes, so let’s talk about a few things that are vital to a close relationship with your grown and married children:
- Our words carry weight - use them carefully
I overheard a woman speaking recently about her son and his wife. She was critical of her son’s spouse. The ”girl” didn’t clean her house the way she thought she should. She cared more about the way she looked than she should. She didn’t call her DIL by her name, but “she” or “the girl”.
I cringed. First, because I knew this person. She’s beautiful and tender-hearted. She loves her husband so much. She grew up in a home where she was criticized and not loved the way she should have been. Her husband was crazy about her, and for good reason.
When this young woman married into the family, it was awkward for the mom to step back and let another woman “take her place”. Her words will drive a wedge in her relationship with her DIL, but also with her son. Or worse, a son will feel conflicted and not set boundaries and it will fracture his relationship with his wife.
I firmly believe that people grow into your words. If I see the good in Josh, Kristin, and Stephen and let them know that with words of affirmation, they flourish. They may not need them, but they are far more healthful than words of condemnation or criticism or to find out I’ve talked about them in a hurtful way behind their back.
- We need to let our grown children turn to each other
Maybe this is the hardest one for me, but it is also the one I work on the most. We are a tight family, and it seems natural to listen to them as they navigate the speed bumps you occasionally hit in marriage.
When, and if, they ever share things, I have two options. I can try to fix it, or I can listen and encourage them to turn to their partner and find a solution. They are far wiser than I was in my mid-twenties, and they can work through every situation together. Maybe I get to point out a resource, or let them know that I care, but unless I’m invited in by both, I step back. I pray. I encourage both. But ultimately it is a partnership of two, not three or four that finds the answers.
- I must be flexible
When Richard and I first married, we were the only married children in both families. Holidays became a nightmare as we struggled to please everyone. I loved Christmas, but soon hated it because it was a lose/lose situation. If we went to one family event, we ruined the “way it’s always been” for another. So, we bustled from one house to another, unable to start our own family traditions, and disappointed many.
Yuk.
It’s not the day, people. It’s the time spent with family. Your child no longer is just part of one family unit, but also with their spouse’s family. And if there are married siblings, it’s even more complex as additional family units vy for time.
I determined that holidays and big days would be flexible. It’s not the day, after all, that matters. It’s the memories we make. It’s everybody piling into your home. It’s playing ping pong, or taking hikes, or sitting around the living room watching a movie, or talking out on the deck.
It’s hard when Thanksgiving comes and there are empty places at the table, but either find a new tradition or adventure to fill that void or celebrate on another day, if that is possible. Or you can set ultimatums that make holidays miserable for all.
Isnt’ it better to relax and enjoy the times you do have? As a young mother, holidays became special again when I found out I had cancer at 32 years of age. Suddenly pinning everyone to a day seemed silly. Because we didn’t know how many days I might have. That’s been 16 years ago and it is one of the blessings that came out of that scary time.
Enjoy the moment. Relax (I keep saying that, don’t I?)
Maybe you are a new MIL or FIL, I hope that you will take a moment today and understand how amazing it can be to grow–as your definition of family include the ones your children love.
Suzie
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you nailed this one on the head…you were able to put into words what our relationship is…and everything you do for us.. I appreciate you so much. I love you.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:24 amI’ve been a MIL for 2.5 years now. It has been a struggle to say the least. Our new DIL didn’t know us and there wasn’t much opportunity to fix that. Then they decided to move up the wedding date and both were still in school far away and very young. Both sets of parents tried to reason with them, but to no avail. A beautiful granddaughter came shortly after their 1st anniversary. A blessing, but of course a financial strain for a young couple in college. Although we never voiced “I told you so’s” and were supportive at every turn, there was MUCH strain as we tried to become closer. Finally, we are finding a groove that seems more comfortable. I believe she now realizes that we are not competing with her for her husband’s attention. That we love her for her and not only because she produced our beautiful granddaughter. We have looked for ways to encourage and connect with her, trying our best to make her feel at ease and at home in our family. We have prayed and prayed and cried and lowered our expectations somewhat. I have also realized that no matter how much time I have with them, it never seems to be enough.
I once told her, “we are learning to be in laws, too.”
I covet your prayers as we grow in our relationship.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:58 pmYou are trying, and that’s the key. Relationships very rarely happen overnight. They grow, through the good and the bad. I hear your heart, and it’s awesome. You have my prayers.
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:46 pm