Our “Good Mom” List
June 2, 2008 | articles, family
Before I had children, I had a Good Mom list. It read something like this:
- When I become a mother, I will not ignore my children.
- When I become a mother, I will not physically harm my children.
- When I become a mother, I will not scream or yell.
- When I become a mother, I will never humiliate my child.
It was all the things I promised I’d never do to my children. I ask this same question at every parenting conference, and moms add their wishes to the list:
- I won’t force my children to be something they are not
- I won’t tell my children that they are lazy or stupid.
- I won’t lose it!
While all of these are good things, a Good Mom list isn’t very functional. When your five-year-old has a meltdown in WalMart or your preteen screams, “I hate you”, you can whip out your Good Mom list all that you want. You can even stand in the aisle of the grocery store chanting, “I will not; I will not; I will not” while Jr. kicks your shins, turns red in the face, and threatens to hold his breath.
At that moment, you need to know what to do, rather than what not to do.
Motherhood is downright tough at times. It’s great to set goals, but we need to know how to make the changes, and what to do when, or if we fail or are close to crossing a line.
Instead of a Good Mom list (what not to do), make a proactive list.
One way to do that is to have family guidelines. One of ours was “In the Eller family, we’ll talk to each with respect.” Another was “we’ll all clean the kitchen together after supper”. There were more and they fit our family. The kids knew what to expect. T
he guidelines were reasonable, and they worked—most of the time.
When they didn’t, my children knew there would be instant, but reasonable, consequences. They didn’t have to guess. Mom didn’t have to have a meltdown. It took all of the personal junk out of shaping my beautiful children. They were works in progress, placed in my heart and life, to teach and love them. For that matter, I was a work in progress. This helped me to know what to do.
What about your family? Are there clear boundaries? Do children know what to expect if they cross them? Have you talked about it as a family?
Will it be easy?
Nope, but no one promised us easy. Kevin Lehman, a parenting speaker and author, once said that good parenting is the most inconvenient process on earth. It’s easier to yell, scream, or just do it yourself. But the results aren’t pretty, for us or our children.
So, today let’s throw out our Good Mom lists.
Maybe these questions will help:
- What are your goals as a mom? Be realistic.
- Have you ever crossed the line? Examine one episode. What prompted the incident?
- What can you learn from this incident? (Don’t use guilt or condemnation as you examine this. It’s not healthy or helpful.)
- Did you carry a pattern of behavior from your past into your parenting (physical abuse, screaming, verbal abuse, etc.)? Push it out in the open where you can examine it honestly. Name it.
- What could you do differently? Name three alternatives.
- Do you have parenting mentors in your life? (Books, parenting conferences, a trusted older woman, a friend who is a mom, online blogs or organizations with practical helps.)
- Do you ask for help when it is needed? Do you try to do it all alone? Is there a program or person who can give you a break once a week?
(I gave birth to three children in 19 months. Twins! I took my children to Moms Day Out one day a week and went home to sleep for two hours. It was a small act of self-nurture, but it was such a healthy tool. If things were hard on Thursday, I knew I could make it because I would get a nap on Friday.)
- What is one thing you can do to nurture yourself so you can nurture others?
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I am guilty of the yell/ignoring. Howver, I do not yell often, but the mere fact that I am typing this post as my 2 1/2 year old is ripping cushions off of the couch is a testament to the ignoring.
I must be off to entertain him— great post and blog!
June 4th, 2008 at 12:52 pm