Passion: Saying no so we can say yes
July 28, 2008 | ministry life, writing
When the doctor told me I had cancer, my life came to a screeching halt. Maybe that’s a time that you would respond with spiritual insight or wisdom. Not me.
“I don’t have time for cancer,” I said.
And I didn’t. I had a night class on Monday. I was supposed to bring snacks to my kiddos soccer team on Tuesday. I worked full-time. I was an active volunteer at my church. I had three kids. I was a wife. . .
My response wasn’t wise or sage, or even made sense in light of the news I received that day, but it did describe my life.
You know those hoses with all the holes in them — soaker hoses. I was like that. I was pouring in a hundred different directions. I’m not alone. This describes the lives of many.
Over the next five years — years the doctors said I might not have — I learned some powerful lessons.
- I learned what mattered and what didn’t.
The day that they wheeled me into surgery, I looked into the faces of who mattered. I wasn’t worried about my job, or anything else at that moment.
Richard. Melissa. Ryan. Leslie.
Mindy.
Mom. Dad. My brothers and sisters. My Eller family. My friends.
Names. That was what mattered. Names of people I wanted to spend time with, to laugh with, to tell corny jokes with. To hold. To love. To grow old with.
What made me happy? Family! I loved kissing Richard. Snuggling with 8-year-old Melissa. Running across the yard with Ryan on a new adventure. Listening to Leslie tell me a story, her small hand in mine. There were other things that I loved: My faith. Writing. Nature.
- I had to slow down
I was on a hamster wheel of my own making.
I remember the first time I felt truly rested. It was an amazing feeling. I didn’t know how tired I was until I felt rested.
Saying “no” disappointed people. It was hard and enlightening.
“But she’s going to be a soccer star one day. What about scholarships? She really does need to play year-round sports if she’s going to succeed.”
“She’s 8,” I replied. “She’ll be okay,” I said.
“But you’ve always done that. Who can take your place?” another asked.
Someone did, but I had to move out the way first.
“You’re leaving us?” My boss put his head down on his desk.
Disappointment everywhere.
Except the more that I said no, the more room I opened up in my life to say yes.
One vehicle for my passion was writing. And I was writing–about bridges, dams, road projects, wastewater treatment plants. I couldn’t leave right away. I had to make a plan, but I knew that it was time to change directions.
One Day. It was my mantra at that time. One day I’ll write about stuff that I love. One day I’ll pursue this passion. One day I’ll have more time.
When you hear that you have a 10-40% chance of surviving cancer, suddenly “one day” has an entirely different meaning.
Today.
Today I will run after things, invest time, expend energy and hope and life into things that I care about. I will slow down long enough to figure out what that is.
I had to make a plan. I couldn’t say no to some things and just walk away. But I took baby steps toward my dreams.
That doesn’t mean that life still didn’t have hard days, or hard times, or that I didn’t have responsibilities that were both wonderful and challenging, but that I purposefully carved away the unnecessary so that my life slowed down.
As I said no to one thing, I waited. I let the down time be down time instead of filling it back up immediately. I thought about what I wanted to do, the direction I hoped to take.
I bought a few books, checked more out from the library. I attended a writers’ conference.
I learned about my passion — what it took to be a writer, where to begin, the tools that I needed.
I played more. I stopped and smelled the roses, actually seeing them instead of rushing right by to do the next thing, or make it to the next appointment.
Busy traps were all around me, and after my five years they started trying to sneak back in. But I recognized them now.
- What about now, Suz?
I evaluate everything I’m doing every 9 months to a year. It’s a habit now, and a healthy one–for me.
Am I pursuing my passion?
Am I rested?
Do I have time to enjoy the small and treasured things around me?
Did I laugh today?
What is beautiful? Did I stop long enough to see it?
If no, why not?
Just yesterday I stepped back and said “no” to something. It has worked for a few years and I loved doing it, but the time has passed and it’s time to let someone else enjoy the benefits and invest their time and energy into this project.
Suz, are you a sloth? Do you just sit around eating bon-bons?
I work a lot of hours at writing. I am busy with family events; still spending a lot of time with my children though they are now young adults; I love that they love to hang out with us. I volunteer as a community mentor in a leadership program. I am active in my church. I travel several times a year across the nation. Last week I worked 20 hours on a leadership presentation in addition to my regular assignments.
This week I have columns to write, blogs to post, edits to make, and a proposal to write.
I’m busy, but I love every moment of it because I am saying yes–and I mean it.
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Well cue the spooky music because I recently joined rolemommy.com for two reasons; meet other like minded strong and passionate mothers and (b) to share my story concerning one of my children who took the blinkers off my eyes and allowed me to truly SEE:) And I log on today after learning that my story will be shared here and up you pop! And now sit here breathless and inspired by your quite fantastic spirit. We share similar shoes and whilst the paths may have been different….we both found ourselves at the same glorious spot. I wish you many more Blessings of peace, joy, love and prosperity. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:48 amLove and light,
Debi
Hey Debi,
I’m listening. : ) I don’t hear any spooky music, but I do hear the heart of a woman who wants to live life fully. Thank you so much for your comment. I hope that you come back often!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:31 pmOh Suz,
How did I miss this post? You know I’m nodding my head to everything you said. I speak to oncology groups and cancer survivors nationally, and I love it! We’re all on the same page. There’s something about facing your own mortality that puts the “tomorrow” into “today”!
I wrote down 27 things I wanted to do before I died (my passionate to-do list); I guess Jack N. and Morgan F. now call it the “Bucket List” (smile). But it sure worked for me! Writing a book was #3 on my to-do list, and only later did I realize it was my passion. I didn’t take the time to find out about the whole BIG picture of writing because quite frankly, I thought I was going to “kick the bucket.”
Do I have any regrets? No, absolutely not. Would I do it again the same way if I knew I had 12 years ahead of me. Nope! But we can’t go back–only forward.
Now when I lead “Writing to Publish” seminars I tell everyone: To write like there’s no tomorrow, but “publish” as if you had a lifetime!
Great post, Suz! I LOVED EVERY WORD!
July 29th, 2008 at 3:55 pm