My mom is an alcoholic
August 12, 2008 | T. Suzanne Eller
Question: Thanks for your post yesterday, but what about those of us whose parents are still alcoholics?
I was raised with an alcoholic mom. When she drinks she says terrible things. She’s out of control, and sappy and stupid.
I WILL NOT allow her to influence my children. If I forgive her, then she will think she can be in my life again, and that of my children. I won’t let that happen.
From Suzie: I wrote an entire chapter on boundaries in The Mom I Want to Be. If a parent is still dysfunctional you must have boundaries in place. For example, one boundary might be “if you are drunk we won’t hold a conversation on the phone” because those conversations become vortexes to nowhere. Or if we are together and you become verbally abusive, we will quietly leave. It’s letting the person know that you won’t participate in the dysfunction.
Guidelines are intended to punish a person, but to work toward a healthy relationship–even if that is only on your part.
If your mom abuses you or your children emotionally, then it is crucial to have boundaries in place. Everybody should be aware of the boundaries. They should originate from a place of wholeness and desire to live a heathful life. Consequences should happen every time that your loved one crosses those boundaries.
It’s futile to get into arguments or to try to fix another person if they don’t want to be “fixed”. When there are boundaries, your mom will soon understand that if she calls you drunk or tries to berate you in front of your children, then a consequence will immediately take place (you gently get off the phone, you quietly leave, you refuse to enable, you put distance between you and your mom for a period of time. . .).
Will she like it? Absolutely not, especially if she’s used to you getting angry and involved in a fight (then she can feel justified because you both were “at fault”) or she’s accustomed to you shutting down or giving her what she wants.
But your motivation is to have as healthy a relationship as possible, until she’s ready to find help or she “gets it”, that you’re not playing the game anymore. She’s all by herself in the dysfunctional cycle.
It sounds like that right now your mom is so ill with alcoholism that your boundaries have to be very strict. Can I share something? Work on you in the meantime. Consider the possibilities if you forgive the past. You find freedom. Pray for your mom. We often invest more time in a person’s well-being than they are willing to invest, which is far from healthy. It’s important to understand what you can or cannot change, but place her in God’s hands daily. He loves her, too.
Refocus on what you do have — the sweet hug of a child, a husband who loves you, friends who care about you, whatever it is that is a gift in your life — as you grow as a woman, child of God, and human being.
I wish there were easy answers. There are not, but I pray that your heart is made whole and full of joy as you love your children and become the mom you want to be. . .
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Excellent, Suzie. My mother-in-law is a borderline personality. Mentally and emotionally abusive. Never know what you’ll hear or get. I had to pray for her. I also had to draw lines and stick to them. And then I had to end the relationship after 14 years. I had to work on me. I had to forgive her, but not go back to the relationship. I had to exercise wisdom and caution. Forgiveness does not mean foolishly opening doors which are better left closed for now. Perhaps for good. I had to learn who I am - who I am in Christ. And walk in that.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:53 am