my teen is making bad choices
July 8, 2009 | Family: Nurturing Family
Dear Suzie,
My daughter is smoking pot and having sex with her boyfriend. We grounded her and she said that we weren’t fair, and that it was hard to live with saints who never did anything bad. We’ve loved her and tried to be great parents. I just don’t want her to ruin her life. I’m worn down and tired, and at times I just want her to leave. Her words hurt beyond belief.
Dear Mom,
Your daughter is still growing and you are responsible for helping her grow. I know it’s hard, but the only gauge you have of whether you can trust her or not is her actions. She is doing things that can harm her or change her future plans. Sometimes as parents we engage in word-fare with our teens. It’s not a healthy conversation. It’s not productive. Her words should roll off of you unless it has something to teach you as a parent. No one is saying this is easy, but it’s healthy.
Word-fare begins when the conversation is used to deflect the blame. I’m smoking pot, but you are a saint and that’s hard on me. If she is saying that you are self-righteous, then that’s an issue to discuss at another time when things aren’t heated. But the issue is she’s smoking pot and having sex.
Stay focused.
What are reasonable consequences? Levy them. Be consistent. Love her while she’s taking responsibility (whether she wants to or not) for her actions. Give the consequences a beginning and an end. When it’s over, it’s over. If it happens again, so do consequences.
In the meantime, trust God. Invite Him into this situation, and let your faith be vibrant as you turn to Him for strength and comfort. There will come a time that she will desire to love God and know Him and will remember that your faith was simple and joy-filled when it didn’t make sense. Let God wrap Himself around you right now and give you peace and wisdom and direction.
It’s not about results, but about remaining consistent with your daughter. The results might not show up for a while. Parenting is sometimes the hardest job of all, but if you take the emotional elements out of it and continue to teach her and love her, you’re showing her the way.
By the way, you sound like a great mom.
Suzie
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Great advice indeed. The connection between parents and children is so important and during the challenging teen years, keeping the lines of communication open is so very important.
Love your site!
July 8th, 2009 at 7:48 pm