When a family hasn’t healed…
July 27, 2009 | Books, Nurturing Family
Did you come over from Encouragement for Today? If so, welcome! I hope you come back often. Maybe, like me, your family changed. It might not be perfect, but it’s a work in progress and you get it when I say the following will help:
o Refocus: Take the spotlight off your childhood and put it on to the present.
o Be Realistic: Even normal families have conflict. There is no such thing as a perfect family.
o Relent: Do you rehash bad family memories or bring up the past to punish a loved one? Are you willing to begin a new conversation?
o Receive: Amends may be awkward and not what you think they should be. True grace is receiving a gesture with the same spirit with which it is offered.
But what if your extended family member(s) hasn’t changed? What can you do to fix it?
Nothing. You’re not big enough to fix another person’s brokenness, addiction, anger, or personality. Too often, people invest their emotions, their family, their time, their money, their efforts, creating a lopsided relationship that leads to frustration or failure.
But there are things you can do to work toward a more healthful relationship. Today we’ll talk about one of those:
- Set reasonable boundaries.
A boundary isn’t intended to punish. The whole goal is to remember that you are the healthy one, and that you (or your loved ones) can’t be drawn into an unhealthy situation. A boundary might look like this:
Dad, if you drink around the kids we’ll have to leave. But when you aren’t drinking, we’d love to spend time with you.
Then, follow through. Every time. Don’t yell. Don’t accuse. Don’t tell them they are ruining your life. Don’t hide the bottles. Don’t make excuses to your children. Just leave, like you said. But leave the door open for a next time. If the next time comes, and there is no drinking, enjoy the moment. If he drinks, leave quietly.
Here are some helpful hints when setting boundaries:
- Don’t surprise your loved one with the boundaries.
Talk to them in advance. It’s not a lecture. But a conversation that might begin like this:
I want a relationship with you. I love you. But when this happens, it makes it difficult to be with you. I don’t want to change you, but if [fill in the blank] happens, I’ll have to [fill in the blank]. But understand, I’ll always love you.
- Keep the goal always in mind.
But Suzie, they won’t like that.
True. But remember, you are the healthy one. Remember your goal: to work toward a healthier relationship.
When someone uses anger or retaliation, words or silence, rage or retribution, when you start working toward a healthier relationship, they do so because it’s always worked for them.
“If I give her the silent treatment, she’ll feel bad and let me drink.”
“If I curse, rant and rage, she’ll take it because she’s my daughter.”
Break the cycle. Don’t take their actions personally.
It will take time to figure out the new boundaries. It will surprise them that you are no longer engaging in the battle. It will eventually sink in.
And what if it doesn’t? Then you are setting the healthy boundaries for you and your family.
That’s a huge step forward.
I discuss setting boundaries in detail in The Mom I Want to Be: Rising Above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Great Future.
Another great resource is: Boundaries
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I really enjoyed reading your post today and your devotion at Encouragement for today. Have a blessed day:)
July 27th, 2009 at 6:52 amI enjoy your writing style, Suzie, and have joined your community and christianmomlogic based on today’s Encouragement for Today. I want to add a few more books that I’ve read that have been helpful:
When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of their Problems, Loving them Anyway, and Getting On with our Lives, by Jane Adams
and Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
These have been helpful to me when dealing with the choices and struggles of my young adult children.
Hope your day starts as well as mine did!
July 27th, 2009 at 6:59 amI am the mom you described your mom used to be… pray that one day my daughters will come to be where you are!
July 27th, 2009 at 8:36 amI have a question for you: How do you learn to trust someone who has a tendancy to be unpredictable? Growing up my mom was emotionally abusive and had lots of emotional problems, which seemed to intensify while I was in college. I’ve been through Christian counseling over the past several years and God has been healing my heart from my past wounds, but I’m still very hesistant to trust my mom. I’ve been letting her into my life a little bit at a time and sometimes she seems to have changed and at other times she hasn’t. It’s also hard because we really don’t have a lot of common ground anymore so just talking on the phone is a struggle sometimes
I enjoyed reading your blog and it was timed perfectly as I’ll be seeing my mom for the first time in over a month.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:11 amDear Anonymous, I will pray with you today, but I will also encourage you to take steps today to healing for yourself as well. God loves you. God sees your heart. Thank you for your honesty, and your courage.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:12 amCarol, It’s important to remember that you are the healthy one. If she’s trying, acknowledge that. Encourage her in small ways – touch, a note, a smile, verbally when you see her trying hard to overcome past habits or actions. If she is inconsistent, set gentle boundaries. That may be a verbal cue: “Mom, I want to spend time with you, but when _____ happens it makes it difficult. Is there a way we can work together to make this better for both of us?” It engages her in the process. Also, listen to see if there are things that you might be able to do. One very big challenge is when a person is trying to change, but they feel they can’t ever overcome the past. Let her know that the past is forgiven, and that you are willing to live in the “right now”. That way when you talk about current challenges, she doesn’t feel that her past will be held against her w/no hope for reconciliation.
You sound like a loving daughter. I’m so proud of the progress you’ve made and the healing you’ve sought. That’s awesome.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:24 amI read your comments about rising above as a parent and I hope that I have in some way filtered it to my own children. My question is: How do you deal with the extremely abusive parents that have passed away? I’m still dealing with the fallout and there is no way to say that they have improved or acknowledged their need to do so. Thank you.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:26 amWhat if Mom agrees to boundaries and daughter continues to give the silent treatment keeping grandmother and grandchildren apart?
July 27th, 2009 at 1:12 pmAppreciated the Encouragement for Today. It came from a friend who’s son sent it to her! Lots of twists.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pmMy situation is with my eldest son who was very hurt years ago by
his father and by me. He seems to have made peace with his dad
because of common interests, but not with me. He’s not a happy person and I’m praying for him daily. He doesn’t seem willing to forgive and holds grudges for things I did in my own hurt and ignorance.
He is struggling to be a good husband and dad, and I am so proud of him. He just doesn’t have the right tools. He isn’t open to familycounseling, but has a wife who is the best thing that ever happened to him. She tries to understand and help him.
His verbal abuse and nastiness are so much like his father. Tried
to set some boundaries with him, but he feels it as an attack.
Don’t know what to do, except to pray. It hurts a lot.
Thanks for letting me “vent”.
Suzie,
July 27th, 2009 at 3:23 pmJust something I would like to add to your comments. Obviously you are right, we cannot change the person that we love, make them change a destructive behavior, or chose a different path (in my case it is my alcoholic husband). But that does not mean we should sit by and passively allow that to cripple us from making change in our own lives. Am I really healthy? In that I continue to let him be a primary caretaker of our small children, even when he drinks…absolutely not. So you are right, I cannot change him, but I certainly can look inward and see that there is much that I must change about me. On my knees is the only place I will see just how much Jesus wants to restore not only him but me too. I want the very best for my kids and my marriage and I am hoping and praying that the interventions might impact him and allow me and the children to be safe. I am so concerned in what tomorrow holds and yet am reminded that God is totally and awesomely in control – and He will take care of me and the wonderful gift of his children…
Please pray!!
Melissa
Suzie,
July 27th, 2009 at 4:04 pmThis devotional has come at a critical time for me, but it leaves me more confused on what I should be doing in my relationship with my mom. Right now we don’t have one. The one we did have was all based on her wants, needs and desires. As your previous poster Carol said, her and her mom have trouble just getting through a conversation on the phone. Mine only calls when she needs something and then hangs up if I don’t give in. I’m a 34 year old newlywed trying to conceive and my mom doesn’t even ask me how we’re doing now that it’s been almost a year of trying. Her priority has always been work and now it is work and her grandson (from my sister – they don’t have a relationship either). I honestly think she cares about me, but at the same time I don’t. The last straw for me was a couple weeks ago I saw her in church and wanted to welcome her back from vacation (which we weren’t invited), and I called her name and she looked right at me and walked by me and gave some woman and her daughter a hug. That was when I decided to have a relationship but at a distance. She’s in the top five of the most selfish mothers I know. I could never say that as a kid though. Adulthood is a lot harder.
mfrench,
It’s choosing to go forward in spite of the fact that the person who harmed/neglected/abused you did not. At some point we realize that the abuse continues because we are tied to it. Our thoughts. The way we view ourselves. And sometimes the same patterns of behavior, though they may look very different.
What is one step you can take to find strength, new perspective, and wholeness? It may be talking to a counselor. It may be immersing yourself in books about wholeness, healing, forgiveness, trusting, etc.
It’s not an overnight process, and please forgive me if I made it sound like that. It’s daily. It continues. My prayer is that I’ll still be growing as a woman and mom and in every other way for the rest of my life.
For me, I came to the point that I was willing to heal and let go. I couldn’t do it on my own. Very few can. But I was willing, and there were days I went back to God and started all over, putting it all at His feet again, saying “I picked it up — the anger, the resentment — and it’s not just hurting me, but it’s hurting others, so I give it to you again. I may be back, but at some point I’m not going to need to…” And that point did arrive. I didn’t want it.
I created friendships with strong women who modeled strength and joy. I read books (I still do) that helped me see things in a new way.
Did letting go mean that what happened was okay? No. Every child (you!) deserved to be nurtured and loved. But I couldn’t change the past, so my heart was to nurture and love me through faith, so I could love and nurture others.
July 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pmI can relate to a lot of what you said above.
I’ve had to give up on a relationship with my dad and sisters. The pain and feelings of constant rejection and feeling more like an obligation to them was just too much to deal with and feelings I didn’t want my girls to have to feel. You can only be told so many times that your dad feels guilty for the past and feel rejected when you try to include him in your healing process. Or when you are told “you should have asked him to be there for you” when my baby was in the hospital fighting for her life. Among other issues.
My mother has not been part of my life in 15 years; it’s safer that way (for many reasons).
My grandfather, who molested me, is dead and my grandmother is out of the picture now as well. It’s very hard to realize the woman that claimed you as her favorite was the same one that never protected you from your grandfather and yes she knew exactly what was going on; she caught him in the act three times. I tried many times to continue a relationship with her, after I started my counseling and diving into the pain and realizing many things like the fact she didn’t protect me, but it was just too difficult. She also felt it necessary to tell me everything my mom said about me, even though she “never talked about me to my mom”.
I have to keep my MIL at arms length. She is a very long story and really doesn’t have respect for my authority. Having boundaries means nothing at all to her; “She’s the grandmother and she can do whatever she wants”. My girls are affected by her actions more and more every time we see her. My husband only talks to her when he has too. I feel left in the middle to deal with whatever she throws our way. I set a shopping boundary with her this past Friday when she was over, shopping is all she will do with the girls. NO HEALS!!!!! While my oldest, 11, didn’t get any heals she now has a pair of shoes that are two sizes too big. I was off dealing with my 6 year old who liked a pair of shoes till grandma got involved then suddenly what she had wasn’t good enough. While I wasn’t paying attention grandma decides the 11 year old needs more help and instead of checking the size my 11 year old chose she just bought them, because that’s what the 11 year old wanted, so that’s what she gets no matter what. I didn’t know they were too big till she was wearing them while we were out yesterday and was walking funny (because they won’t stay on) so now I can’t take them back. MIL always keeps all receipts and I think it’s just so I can’t return anything!? So while she sort of followed my boundaries she still found away to do what she wanted. We probably won’t see, nor hear from, my MIL for another several months; this is the norm, but I’m not sure I could handle her much more and my girls don’t really care about seeing her. DH will only call her if he starts feeling guilty or if her birthday (Nov) comes up before we hear from her.
While I am quite sure God has a reason for not only giving me a screwed up/abusive family but my husband one too, and for matching us up (giving my girls no real grandparents), I still ask why now and then. I know one day He will show me why; sometimes the sooner the better would be good. LOL But I will be patient.
Yes, I have forgiven each of these people and I continue to do so as the feelings crop up on me. I think forgiveness is an ongoing process when you are dealing with past abuses and family members in general, at times.
I also try hard not to live in the past. It can be hard when memories come cropping up on you, but it goes back to the forgiveness part. You have to forgive those that were abusive and yourself and know that the abuse you lived through was not your fault and that while you can’t change the past you can control the now and future.
I want to create a present and future for not only myself but my family and I learned a long time ago I can’t do that if I am holding on to the past.
July 28th, 2009 at 1:58 pmI read encouragment for today almost daily, at times i share them with my family. Your subject “When a family hasn’t healed” hit home. I am in the process of going though my own family drama as my mother is passing away mainly of poor choices in her life and alcohol induced illness. I love my mother, but mostly i am sad for her and the loss of what she could have been. Your four steps to refocus, be realistic, relentless and receive will become healing steps for me. I was the person who withheld my love and affection because she would not stop drinking, i was bitter and resentful of her selfishnes. I now can understand she was sick and any addiction is a sickness that unless treatement is undertaken the situation becomes hopeless. There is a lot of healing that needs to go on in my family and we are bridging the gap though conversation and reaching out to each other. I will continue to pray that God’s mercy and grace is shown to my mom. I want to meet up with her again one day, the way i remember her as a child. I have to move out of the past in order to have a healthy future, it begins with forgiveness.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:44 pm