my daughter won’t talk to me
July 29, 2009 | Family: Nurturing Family, Q&A: Dear Friend
Thank you for the thousands who visited this site yesterday and for the e-mails pouring in through comments, facebook messages, and e-mails.
One beautiful new friend asked this:
I always read my devotional from Christianity.com, but this one touched me. My daughter and I have a problem
getting along. I am always wrong and she will go for long periods without talking or seeing me. I pray about it and it hurts me deeply.
Please pray for us.
Dear friend,
I love my girls and I can only imagine how difficult it would be if they stopped talking with me. My heart goes out to you.
You didn’t share their ages, or what led to the separation, but may I suggest a couple of things?
One, begin to pray for your girls and your relationship. Take this to God and lay it on the table before Him. He loves you, he loves your family. Invite him into the healing process.
Two, send a note to your girls affirming your love for them. A note is non-threatening. Let them know what you see in them that is good, that is precious to you as their mom.
Three, when the time is right invite each of them separately to visit with you. Let them know that you want to rebuild your relationship with them, to start fresh. Ask them to share from their heart what they believe has separated the relationship.
And listen. All the way to the end. Don’t get defensive. Don’t try to persuade them to see it from your perspective. You may not agree, but at least the issues will be in the open.
After you listen, affirm your love for them.
Then take it all back to your Heavenly Father. Take an honest look at it. What can you learn from it? What needs to be changed? How can you grow through it?
But what if it’s all their fault?
If that’s true, then let’s talk some more. I’m not a counselor and I won’t pretend to have all the answers, but what I do know is that most relationships are affected by all involved. Even after my mom grew as a person, I struggled to see her as she was now (not perfect, but growing and reaching out). That was something that only I could work on.
Stay in touch, okay? I am praying for you right now.
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Hi Suzie, My husband and I have 2 grown daughters who are married and have children. After they went to college – God led us to adopt a boy and a girl – that was 10 years ago. Our oldest daughter has had a troubled marriage and last year decided it was time to leave due to pornography, multiple affairs and abuse. Her father went to her rescue and brought her and her children into our home. She later decided to return to him and we were not supportive. Her sister who lives near us was not the least bit supportive to her until she decided to return to the marriage. Our daughter left without our knowledge while we were at work. Her father was devastated because he had supported her in the court hearings. He was so broken he could not speak – when we saw a daughter who lives locally at church he still was unable to speak. She became very angry at him. She then became angry with me because I did not support her isolating her father and keeping her daughter from us. Now this has gone on for 9 months. I have taken this daily to God for His guidance and direction. Whenever I contact her – she says we need counseling. We have not had any contact with our daughter in the abusive marriage since she left because she says we do not support her marriage. My husband has tried to contact them via phone, email and text asking for forgiveness. No response. We raised these girls under Gods Word. They speak to their friends about God – but their actions do not demonstrate any forgiveness or remorse for their treatment of us. Our hearts are broken.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:53 pmAfter 14 years of raising my kids alone I remarried. They loved this man, this first guy they EVER liked. After 3 months I told them I was pregnant. That weekened my daughter began taking all her child hood momentos and stashing them, she was verbally bitter and outwardly angry but wouldnt say why. On Sunday she refused to go to church cussing at me and my husband. By 3 pm she had me in a corner punching me. I was able to call 911. She was arrested. It was her 16th birthday. Her dad “came to her rescue”. her dad got an atorney and took me to court trying to reverse custody to himself alone. After 2 months my daughter and I were improving, then court swung in my favor, my daughter became a possessed lunatic, nasty and vulgar at me alone. After 6 mths in court I won. During that time my daughter spent every other week with me and learned to scream and tell me I wasnt her mom and she hated me and her dads girldfriendwas her mom. She destroyed the kitchen at night twice….no human can comprhend what she did!!! We would wake up to notes posted aroundthe house of her hate for me.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:35 amI sent them to heir dads for month, I cannot deal with her intentionally hurting me over and over.
I am due 28 Sept. I have her in counseling once a week for the next year. She WILL NOT speak to me. I dont even know who she is. I have prayed endlessly but my only answer is to let her go. Any advice would be welcome. I did all thing I thought I should in raising them only to fing that I did nothing right.
My twenty five year old daughter will not talk to be either. I know how you feel. It rips my heart out. I use to pray for God to let me know why she will not talk to or see me. Now I only pray to heal me and help me through it one day at a time. It is very hard, it is the same as if she had died. One day she called and said she loved me and the next I am out of her life. We can not change things so we have to pray to God that we will be strong enough to accept.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:38 pmMY DAUGHTER HASN’T TALKED TO ME (HER MOTHER)FOR ABOUT A YEAR,SHE IS 20 AND MARRIED TO A MAN THAT WONT LET HER HAVE ANY THING TO DO WITH HER FAMILY FRIENDS AND ANY ONE IN HER PAST , SHE HAS NO FRIENDS JUST HIM AND SOME OF HIS FAMILY,SHE TALKS TO HER DAD SOME,RIGHT NOW WE DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES , WE DO KNOW SHE IS IN THE CITY, BECAUSE WE KNOW WHERE SHE WORKS SO WE SEE HER CAR PARKED THERE AT HER JOB WE DON’T THINK HE WORKS, SHE TOLD HER DAD THAT SHE WAS SO TRIED, SHE TAKE’S CARE OF HIM MOSTLY HE IS IN CONTROL. WE LOVE HER DEARLY , SHE IS OUR ONLY CHILD , SHE WAS RAISED GOOD AND IN A CARING,LOVING ,CHRISTIAN HOME, HE WAS NOT RAISED IN A VERY GOOD HOME JUST HIS MOTHER AND LOTS OF PROBLEMS AND KIDS. I PRAY MY LORD WILL TALK CARE OF THIS AND I KNOW HE WILL IN HIS TIME, I WILL NEVER EXCEPT THAT SHE WILL NOT CHANGE, I KNOW THAT GOD WILL WAKE HER. SHE WILL SEE THAT SHE IS WORTH A LOT MORE THAN THIS
September 7th, 2009 at 10:38 pmI am having the same problem as Carol Young. I have not seen my two Grandchildren for nearly 4 years and this is killing me.
January 30th, 2010 at 8:00 amI have written to my daughter a couple of weeks ago asking her to talk to me so that I can heal, listen to her and try and put anything right that I may have done to her.
My other daugter Helen just get vile txt from her, or her partner about me.
We were so close and I have tried to help both of them to buy a house. I was so close to my two grandaughters…. I long to see them and pray that God will help us all through this difficult time.
I worry for her that her partner is controling her and the girls and has advised her that she is best to stay away from her family.
Its nice to know that other people are going through the same problem.
My daughter is 29years old and hasn’t talked to me in years. I have stopped emailing to her since she doesn’t respond. I lift her up in prayer daily. I have to hold my tears back when others talk about their daughters and grandchildren. I don’t reveal the inner pain I feel. I sometimes just ask our Lord to take me so I don’t have to live this way. I feel an enormous about of guilt. I put alot on her as she was growing up to help with her 2 younger sister while my husband and I worked. I wasn’t always patient. I love her deeply. She is married or at least I think she is still. I know she keeps in touch with other family members but I am completly shut out. I guess she gets enough love and support from them. I will not talk about her to other family members; it hurts too much……please pray for me. Thank you.
October 18th, 2010 at 12:25 pmI am in a close family. My sister is my best friend and my brothers are close also. Plus cousins and friends. My husband and I are still in love after almost 25 years.I paint, do crafts, have a small business. I have a beautiful houseand and life.
March 17th, 2011 at 6:29 pmExcept for the fact that my daughter(23) totally avoids me. She has blocked me from her phone(that we pay for) we sent her to college in the big city, not too far away. She was homesick at first, then got used to it, but she called me and always let me know what was happening in her life. We took her and som friends to Vegas when she was 21. And she always came home for the holidays. After graduation, she moved in with her boyfriend and it seems like she doesn’t like us anymore. She brings up anything from the past that I didn’t do right according to her, like not getting her singing lessons, even though she had dance lessons. She said I called her chubby once,which I didn’t. Really stupid things like that. My husband says just leave her alone and she’ll come around, but I don’t know. It’s scary especially when I read other stories about mothers and daughters estranged. I never thought it would happen to me………I remember a quote I read once..”Children are born loving their parents, when they get older, they realize they’re not perfect, sometimes, they forgive them”.
I wish you the best I am in a similar situation and my youngest 16 and I were getting along but the older ones pulled her away . Now she is angry and cusses at me I feel like just taking my life and they can all be happy
March 30th, 2011 at 11:55 amThey wouldn’t be happy. They would be crushed. It would affect
March 30th, 2011 at 1:58 pmthem for the rest of their lives. Recognize the voice of the enemy,
sweet sister. Let your children see the joy of the Lord in you,
regardless of circumstances. He loves you. I pray He wraps you tight in His arms today and you feel His joy.
Thank you Lord for bringing me to this site! I thought I was alone with my sadness and broken heart. I haven’t seen my 19 year old daughter in 2 years, and she won’t speak to me. She is best friends with her step-mother who has been in her life since she was 5, and she has lived with since she was 13. Our relationship went south about 3 years ago, and is not getting better. She tells me that she loves me, but is not ready to talk to me or see me. I also have a son and she doesn’t want to see him either. I don’t know who she has become….I never imagined that my beautiful little girl would grow up and become so cold and treat her mother like this. I pray and pray for us, but I just don’t feel better. Please Lord help me! My heart hurts everyday…I want my daughter back in my life!
April 15th, 2011 at 11:33 pmI have a daughters who is 17 who was cussing, yelling and just rude to me when I told her she was not going to get married at 17, she became so enraged towards me and my husband (we gave her everything she needed within reason, she was failing in school, missing school, so I had to send her to dads, or one of us was going to end up in jail, she would get in my face hit things out of my hands, etc. We all three agreed this was the best for her but she will not speak to me, and when I call her dad to check up on her she calls me yelling, cussing me out telling me she hates me and wishes I was dead. (maybe I should have let her get married and learn the hard way) IDK anymore I am so torn up inside I cant sleep, eat, have no will for nothing. My daughter and I always were close, but she did treat me very rudly ever since she was about in 6th grade, even her friends would get on her how she spoke to me. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and like a horrible/falling mother! Its mothers day and she never called me nothing!
May 8th, 2011 at 4:53 pmI feel your pain. My daughter has moved away with her husband and my 2 grandchildren after losing their home which my husband and I helped provide for them, which we did with good intentions and much love. She is bipolar and on medication. Her husband is the son of a Pastor and he has medical issues as well. All our troubles started when I re-married 15 years ago, after raising her and my son on my own. I vowed I would not attempt to seek out a companion until I finished raising my children, which I did. When I met a good Christian man in my 50′s my children were pleased, as they too had met their future mates and were relieved that I wouldn’t be left alone. Whether it was the bipolar condition or the effects of her husband’s strange family (yes, the ousted pastor and wife…they had been asked to leave a few churches for reasons unknown, but left me wondering). My daughter began to pull away, although we had been joined at the hip, so to speak, all her life. She had a Princess wedding, which I gladly put on and catered myself (over 200 people)…it was beautiful, she looked beautiful…it seemed perfect. Shortly before this event, she began to take an unchristian dislike to my husband (her Dad left us, for another woman when she was 11 yrs of age and she wanted nothing to do with him until she married and her husband encouraged her to contact him). We’ve gone through years of sadness and criticism, but we don’t know why. She won’t talk about anything that’s bothering her with regards to me re-marrying. She hasn’t seen any of her family, including her brother who she was close to as well, for more years than I can count. Recently I found out that she had been in a car accident but no one knew if she was hurt, or worse. My husband offered to call her father, who lives in the USA now, simply to ask, on my behalf, if she was okay. He assured him that although her car had been totalled, she was okay, as were my grandchildren. My husband thanked him and was about to say goodbye when my daughter’s father began to swear and call me all kinds of names. He actually said that the reason my daughter isn’t speaking to me, is because she is afraid of me, as was he. He said my son didn’t have the nerve to stand up to me or he wouldn’t be speaking to me either. I was devastated and shocked. I am a forgiving, caring person and I take care of anyone in need or not. My first husband was needy and I took him in. I thought I had provided a good Christian home for my family and then WHAM! I called my son with this ‘news’ as I had no one to turn to that would understand nor anyone who wanted to listen. I told him what he father had accused me of and asked if he was afraid of me…his reply was “what?…I want his phone number Mom. I want to talk to him.” So, after 22 years of my son wanting nothing to do with his Dad who disappointed him, he called him. Again, his father talked about me and my family and how strong we were as Christians and that “I ran his life”. My son of course responded and told him how hurt he was by all this and that he has brainwashed his sister, as he sees it, and has ruined our family life. It’s a real mess and I’ve talked to pastors, friends…all who are Christians and have been told to “let go and let God”, which I am trying to do. I’m human, I’m strong and I’m trying to wait it out, but I needed to get this out there. I know God will heal this in His time, but it’s soooo hard on my husband, son and myself, not to mention the rest of the family. We need some more prayer from everyone ‘out there’.
July 25th, 2011 at 10:12 pmIt is nice, but so sad, to find others in the same situation. My daughter and I have not talked since December of 2010. My heart aches every day and today it is about to break. I just want to hear her voice and know that she is ok.
September 24th, 2011 at 10:31 pmI pray that she will call or e-mail me. I have tried but get no reply.
I think i can answer some of the questions… call me the daughter. i am 31 and currently not talking to my own mother.I talk to my father once in a while and to some siblings…. the reasons.
most times when we daughters dont talk to our parents is because we are going through difficult times – mostly abuse or depression and withdraw from sharing our problems to anyone. i currently have no friends and lost contacts with half of my family. we will feel like a failure if we will admit the truth to our family, we fear rediculed especially by our mothers.
December 18th, 2011 at 12:51 pmSo, you mothers did nothing wrong? I know for a fact that a daughter does not cut her mother out of her life for trivial things. There has to be alot more to these stories that we’re not hearing. Like abuse, overstepping boundaries, saddling him/her with an unwanted stepfather and half-siblings, things of that nature.
January 20th, 2012 at 6:43 pm