Dear friend: we can’t fix anyone else
August 17, 2009 | Dear Friend
I get a lot of e-mails from women who were raised in a dysfunctional past. Some are obviously hurting. Others have learned to hide it well. They look put together, composed, maybe even perfect. But the common desire is, “I want to get past this”.
This week I received this note:
I am 62 years old and I really don’t know where to start. I have been mentally and emtionally abused by my Mom. I am a Christian and I have tried turning the other cheek and forgivness and she still is always doing her stuff. Now my oldest daughter has called me a hypocrite and I am a mess.
Dear friend, I love your honesty, and I think your first question is the most important: where do I start?
Is it possible to begin with the understanding that we — you and I — don’t have the power to fix anyone? Ever. We can’t make them apologize for the past. We can’t make them see things our way. We can’t make them say ‘I’m sorry”. We can’t make them behave in a way that is caring or nurturing.
Understanding that most important steps frees us to do the next. To take a look at our own lives.
At 62, when you look at your own life and no one else’s, what is it that you need? Is it to feel validated as the person that you are, are want to be, or are trying to be? I want you to know that you are loved by God in the most powerful way. He sees you. He hears you. He loves you. When people fail us, He does not. That was my first step toward healing, reaching for God and realizing He had been reaching for me from the beginning. He knew me and my heart.
When you look at your own life and no one else’s, what is it that you need? If it is healing, then take one step toward that. If it is counseling by a licensed professional that will help you gain new perspective, do that. If it is reading books that might shed a different light and help you see yourself differently, do that. If it is connecting with women who are strong and loving and healthy in a church, group, community, do that.
When you look at your own life and no one else’s, what is it that you need? If it is to let go of the past hurts, then do that. If you don’t know how (and who does?), be willing to let go. It’s a conscious decision that says, “I have no clue how to do this, but I’m willing if that will move me forward”. It starts the process.
Letting go means that you are free to move forward with your life. If no one else is willing to let go, then you are and it is a clear signal to you and the rest of the world that you are not going to be bound by the past, or other’s decisions or choices.
When you look at your own life and no one else’s, what is it that you need? If it is to set reasonable boundaries to work toward a more healthy relationship with your mom or daughters, then do that.
The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend or my book, The Mom I Want to Be:Rising Above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Gre… both discuss setting healthy boundaries when the people in your life are not healthy.
We’ll talk more privately, you and I. But these first few steps are ones I had to take personally. It was a beginning, but one that helped me grow and mature as a woman, as a mom, as a daughter, wife, and human being. But especially as a woman of faith.
And the one thing I didn’t expect? It changed others around me. When I realized that I couldn’t change anyone but myself, it freed others up to start their own journey at their own pace.
I am praying for you today, my new friend.
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God bless you Suzie! You are so right. I did that same thing you spoke about, I changed me. God gave me wisdom & grace to do it. Then others around me changed. I now have a healthier relationship with my mom. I can now see her side & the reasons for her actions. I can forgive her because I don’t know if I would have done anything different then her in the same circumstances. I have Jesus, she didn’t. She does now but not then. Forgiving because I am forgiven was a big step in healing. Knowing why someone acts the way they do help to understand them. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but it does help in the forgiveness & healing of that relationship. Blessing & Peace Mary
August 18th, 2009 at 11:29 amI was really taken by your inspirational message today from P31 about your recent trip to Ecuador and the impact that Compassion Intern’l is having there and in other places as well. I sponsor a child through them in the Philippines. But your beautiful gift of expression made me look at your site and lead me to this page, and your reply that has so much love and heart in it. I have shared it with my mother that I am fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with, and my close friend. I hope it serves as encouragement to them as it is has so much truth in it and most of all the affirmations of what God can do when we trust Him and let Him in. Thank you for your dedication to God and others! Your light is shining bright!
December 8th, 2009 at 8:17 am