break the pattern
September 23, 2009 | Faith: Knowing Christ, Family: Nurturing Family
When you’re in a dysfunctional or unhealthy relationship, is there a pattern?
You know, you travel to mom’s and you hope this time it will be different? Or you really love a sibling, but spending a weekend with them is a guaranteed “blowup”. Or you want to really connect with someone in your family, and as much as you try, it never goes the way you hope?
Sometimes–or if we are honest, most times–there is a built-in pattern that is as familiar as your own fingerprints.
We often don’t see that pattern. We see the blow-ups. We see their behavior. You want them to change. After all, your motives are pure. You really want to be close. You really desire to work through the conflict.
Or you feel ashamed because they tried, and you were the one who blew up, who got tangled in verbal warfare that spiraled downward, leaving both of you hurt and angry.
Can I offer a very simple option?
Break the pattern.
Do something different. If they expect you to blow up, do the opposite. If you’ve not hugged them when you go out the door, hug them. A real hug, with two hands. Tell them that you love them.
Expect nothing back. Just give.
If their “love language” is affirmation (words that build up) or touch or acts of service or gifts, do one thing for them out of the blue.
Again, expect nothing back. Just give.
But Suzie, don’t you understand? They are the problem. I don’t want to be a doormat. Why would I break the pattern when it’s not my fault. I want to be HEARD!!!
Don’t you see? That’s all part of the pattern. It’s thinking that says “I’m hurt, but I love them, but I’m going to stay in the same old pattern and keep hoping things will be different one day.”
They won’t. I promise. Unless a miracle takes place in their heart, something you have no control over.
Even if they choose not to break the pattern, you are taking huge steps forward as a person and believer when you do.
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Suzie,
First, thanks for stopping by my blog today and leaving a sweet word of encouragement.
Wow! Your post is SOOOO me in one certain relationship. I needed to read this. I also needed your words, “Break the pattern…expect nothing back…just give.” Very powerful words. Words so hard to live out. But words that I know if turned into action would change my heart and change my relationship. You have given me much to pray about.
Thank you, Suzie, God’s timing is perfect.
Let me know if you read my book. I would love your thoughts.
Sweet Blessings to you,
Wendy
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:00 pmExcellent post! Thank you for sharing it. I have certain people in my life that I am consistently stuck in a pattern with. Thank your encouragememnt to break the cycle. Sometimes i can get so frustrated because I get nothing back when I try to correct my own behavior. I love what you wrote about breaking the pattern, but expecting nothing back.
September 27th, 2009 at 4:06 pm