when your childhood memories affect your children
October 1, 2009 | Books, Family: Nurturing Family
“I hate you!”
“I want it, momma. I want it now!”
You know those moments. Every mother has faced them. Even the best behaved children sometimes does it. They are tired. They want something even though they know the answer is “no”. They are angry, or frustrated, or even out of control.
This is when many mothers lose focus. It becomes personal. We think things like:
Don’t you know how hard I work for you?
Don’t you know you are embarrassing me in front of all these people?
If you really loved me, you wouldn’t say/do/think that…
The truth is that your children don’t know those things. And rather than taking it personal, the real question is: what does my child need to learn right now, in this moment?
Maybe she needs to learn that you can’t always have what you want. Or if you throw a big fit in Wal Mart, there are consequences. You don’t get a reward, but reasonable and patient discipline.
Maybe he needs to learn that in the “your last name here” household, we treat each other with respect. If you say “I hate you”, we’re not going to tangle in a verbal word-fare, but we’re going to talk through it, really listen, and come to a resolution. But in the meantime, those words aren’t allowed. Not from him. Not from you.
When your memories as a child were painful, you can become super sensitive to the words from your own children. After all, it’s your greatest desire to have something better for you, and your children, than what you received.
That’s why some mommas take it personal. It hurts. It’s going against everything you want: a peaceful, fun home that is safe for everyone.
But this is the scoop: 1) your child is a work in progress, and 2) he or she has no idea of your past pain, and isn’t big enough or wise enough to make your hopes for a good family come true.
So, what do you do?
Take personalization out of the equation. Your child isn’t trying to hurt you, embarrass you, or make your life difficult. They are little warm bodies with a brain that is still developing (and will be until their early twenties), and you and I have the most amazing responsibility and gift of helping them become good, responsible, caring human beings.
So, when they throw a fit in Wal Mart, forget the people around you. Don’t worry about what they are saying, and focus on your child. What lesson needs to be taught right in that moment?
Stay calm. Be the adult. That’s the defining moment: Your child has what you did not: a calm, reasonable, loving parent who is willing to tough it out through the bad moments to teach a child in the right way.
And suddenly you are shaping your children’s memories, instead of your old memories shaping your children.
Helpful resource: The Mom I Want to Be: Rising Above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Great Future and other parenting books.
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