Incredible forgiveness, incredible freedom
February 2, 2010 | Knowing Christ
I’m joining Deanna Allen, host of Pathway to Serenity blogtalk radio today at 11:00 PST (1:00 CT) to talk about why it’s hard to forgive, and the incredible freedom you find when you do. I hope you’ll join us! (To listen, click here!)
Has anyone ever told you that forgiving is easy?
Maybe forgiving the guy who acted like a fool on the highway isn’t too hard, or forgiving the lady who jumped in line ahead of you at the grocery store. Butwhat if someone has harmed you or a family member? What do you do then? How do you forgive?
I’ve been digging deep into the topic of forgiveness. I’ve lived it and discovered that there is incredible freedom in living a life of grace and mercy. But it’s not something that you just find along the way. It’s a purposeful intent to move beyond the burden and restrictions of bitterness, anger, rage, or unresolved emotions tied to a person or event.
Forgiveness is a bridge I thought I had crossed, but the deeper I delved into the meaning of the word forgiveness, the more I realized how much work remained in my own heart.
I discovered that there were several different meanings of the word, forgiveness. Eureka! That’s why it is so hard when someone tosses out the words, “Just forgive!”. Because they may be talking about forgiving an uncouth neighbor, when the kind of forgiveness you need has to come from Someone bigger than you, because the hurt is too large. I found this word as I studied:
Xariðzomai [Greek]: translated Charizomai – 1) to frankly forgive; 2) to give graciously, give freely, bestow
it’s the word Jesus used when He looked down at the men who had put Him on the cross, and said, “Forgive [Charizomai] them, for they know not what they do.”
I sat with friends about a year ago to hear their story. I loved their 22-year-old daughter. She’s a young woman with a feeding tube, unable to communicate in words, and in a wheelchair. I asked if they could share her story.
Hearing it broke my heart.
When she was only 10 weeks old, my friends received a phone call at work saying their daughter had stopped breathing. They rushed to the babysitter’s home. They found her blue, and unresponsive.
They had met the babysitter through their job and had become friends outside of work. When the women offered to baby sit their child, my friends were relieved. Their daughter would receive the best care in the home of a friend, rather than a daycare facility.
When they arrived at the house, one began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while they raced to a nearby pediatrician. When they arrived at the office, the baby’s heart had stopped. The pediatrician started CPR, while his staff called an ambulance.
The child’s condition was critical. My friends were not believers at that time, but welcomed the prayers of the priest on call. Their daughter made it through the night. She was alive, but the reports were still far from positive. Throughout the next few days, the larger question became, “what happened?”.
Privately, behind the scenes, authorities gave the sitter a lie detector test, which she failed. She confessed the baby wouldn’t stop crying and she shook her. Eventually she was tried, convicted, and given a suspended sentence.
There was no justice.
The couple tried to put their lives back together. They brought their baby home. My friends battled separately, trying to be strong for each other, but the mother said that her mind played terrible games. She says of that time, “I thought of ways I could torture her [the sitter]. I wanted her to feel the same pain that we were feeling.”
Their marriage was in trouble before the incident, but now it worsened. The father plunged into his work but it didn’t stop his thoughts. He often pictured the sitter at a busy intersection. He envisioned his car opposite hers, the light changing, and broadsiding the woman who hurt his little girl.
One day a family member asked if they would ever be able to forgive the woman.
The father had thought about it. The last several months had not eased his pain. The anger and “what-ifs” were a burden not easily managed. It affected his relationship with his wife. He confessed that he might be able to consider it, but he didn’t think that his wife was ready. What he didn’t know is that his wife had turned to prayer several days earlier. She had opened her heart to Christ. It was a new beginning, but so new that she didn’t know how to share it with her husband.
That night they talked. As a believer, she was amazed at the incredible mercy she had experienced. She wanted to confront the things in her life that had caused their marriage to suffer. They talked late into the night, leaving nothing unsaid, discussing their old lifestyle and the things that had harmed their relationship, including the injury to their little girl.
After a long discussion, they called the sitter and asked if they could visit. The meeting was far from comfortable. They shared what God was doing in their lives, and said that they had chosen to forgive her. The husband seemed relieved, but the woman was unresponsive.
That didn’t deter what had started inside of the couple.
Every time they they knelt and prayed together instead of pushing away from each other, every time they chose forgiveness over bitterness and regret, something inside of this couple changed.
Twenty-one years have passed and they don’t regret the decision to forgive. “The day I forgave her, it was like a ton of bricks fell off my shoulders,” the child’s father said.
For the mom, forgiving was a release of the thoughts that had almost destroyed her at one time. She says that she couldn’t have forgiven on her own. It was too deep, and without faith it was impossible to even take that first step. But with time it became real.
Both agree that their journey to forgiveness was a process. “I had to give this to God, because when you think irrational, you do irrational,” says the father. “There is timing involved, but people can blame God for things or turn to Him. Bad things that happen can lead you to Him or away from Him.”
The beautiful little girl is still severely disabled. She recognizes her parents. She loves music and responds with joy to certain people. Her dad says that she is normal, but with special needs.
The mom believes that her daughter has an extraordinary relationship with God. “I know that they talk. If I every feel bad or sick, I ask her to pray for me, and I know she does. Her life has touched many people, including ours. I don’t question, doubt, or linger in the past.”
As a mom, I struggled as I listened to this amazing couple. I struggled because I didn’t know if I could do the same.
And perhaps that is the point.
No one, not you, not me, not my friends can forgive such a grave injustice on our own.
What happened shouldn’t have happened. There is no excuse. Forgiving never means that injustice is acceptable. In my heart, I know that God grieved with this couple over a senseless act.
But He also rejoiced when they turned to Him for strength.
One life was harmed, and never should have been, but two lives and a marriage were made whole as they trusted God to help them to move forward, instead of living in rage, anger, bitterness, and isolation.
If you knew them, you’d see two beautiful people who serve others, who laugh, who introduce their daughter as the light of their life.
The other day I passed their daughter as I made my way to my seat. The choir was singing in front, and their daughter was singing, too.
I didn’t recognize the words, but somehow I knew she was talking to God.
forgive: 1) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to stop being angry with; to pardon; 2) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); to overlook; 3) to cancel or remit (a debt).
RSS feed for comments on this post.
The URI to TrackBack this entry is:
http://www.tsuzanneeller.com/2010/02/02/incredible-forgiveness-incredible-freedom/trackback/
Wow, that was powerful, Suzie! As soon as I finished your blog, I wiped the tears from my face and looked outside. It’s snowing! That has personal significance for me! Thank you for sharing this story!
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:19 pmHey Connie, Thank you for stopping in. I love that the snow has special significance. We sometimes need those tangible moments or signs that God sees us. It sounds like you had one of those moments. Love that.
February 2nd, 2010 at 4:09 pmI wanted to see what it was that you wrote about. This story touched my heart. I believe GOD has connected us at this time in my life for a deeper reason. It is so true about forgiveness… it isn’t possible to truly forgive on our own.
You seem like an amazing woman with a touching testimony and I look forward to getting to know you.
Stephanie
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:06 pmHey Stephanie,
I’m so glad that we’ve finally met. Perhaps one day we can meet in person, who knows? I’d love that.
We share a history, and perhaps we’ve both had to deal with the same things. Again, so glad you stopped in. Stay in touch!
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:14 pmSuzie,
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:06 pmI am all too familiar with learning to forgive. I had issues in my childhood that I had to forgive my mother for. I knew if I didn’t I would not be able to go on with my life. I knew that it would control my life and make me bitter and turn to things I had no business doing. It was the second best thing I’ve done in my life. The first, giving my life to Jesus. Forgiving a wrong is something everyone faces in their life at some time or another. And as I have learned, it does make you feel as though you have had weight lifted off of you. Thanks for sharing this with us. I appreciate everything you do. That is more than you will ever realize.
Jennifer
Suzie, you’ve surely touched many hearts, as you have mine, with your post. People in my distant and not-so-distant past have profoundly hurt me, and some have hurt my children. I find it harder to forgive the latter. I think those who TAKE UP AN OFFENSE FOR OTHERS usually do. Just when I truly believe I have totally forgiven, it seems the enemy comes along and dangles the offense before me, trying to keep me chasing and clutching it tight. There’s no freedom, no rest, in that. The “letting go” part of forgiveness often comes slowly, but it must come. Earlier tonight I read: “The sweet consequences of not keeping a record of all wrongs is that we let go of the PAST and its effect on the PRESENT. We cast our care on God and rely on Him to restore the wasted years and to cause everything to turn out for good.[FUTURE]” (RT Kendall, Total Forgiveness) Making peace with our past brings joy to our present and hope in our future. Thanks, Suzie.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:14 amThank you for this post i have found that I have recently forgiven a person who hurt me as a child and he even helped me the other day when we were without power how crazy god is in control I have thought I have forgiven before but the next time I would see him it was still there the hurt but this time it was not there and I am so proud to know I have FORGIVEN.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:46 pm