letting go to let them grow {{giveaway}}
June 17, 2010 | Books, Family: Nurturing Family
If you’ve come over from my devo on Encouragement for Today, welcome. Many of you have e-mailed asking: What if I let go and my teen makes mistakes?
You know what? It’s a question I asked myself. But making mistakes is part of learning to stand on your own two feet.
A teen who is so restricted that there are no room for mistakes can go on to college or adulthood and freefall, because they lack the ability to learn from their mistakes or they don’t know what to do with freedom. They have no coping skills.
The key is to differentiate between mistakes and willful or destructive behavior.
If your teen is consistently making decisions that can hurt her or others, then it’s not a mistake. It’s a clear call for boundaries and reasonable and consistent consequences.
But if it’s not, and it’s a moment of poor judgment or a mistake that is out of character, or some blooper that shows that their brain is still in development, then they’ve been presented with an opportunity to face the consequences and mature.
In Real Issues, Real Teens: What Every Parent Needs to Know I asked hundreds of teens how they’d want their parents to respond if they made a mistake. The response was almost overwhelming.
Teens wanted to be able to be honest with their parents about what happened. They wanted their parents to listen to what happened. They didn’t want their parents to fix it. Last, they hoped that once they served their “time”, that their parents would give them another chance and that they wouldn’t permanently be identified by the mistake.
Go back and read that again. There’s a ton of great parenting advice there. (Teens are really insightful.)
1) They want to know they can come to you if they messed up.
As someone who worked with teens for nearly two decades, I watched teens mess up but bear the burden alone because they feared their parents’ reaction. Worse, they’d make a mistake and not know how to get out of it, even if they realized “hey, this is not what I thought would happen here.”
When my son and daughters were approaching the tougher temptation ages and gaining additional freedoms like driving, a later curfew, etc., I told them: “I trust you. I respect your choices. But I want you to know if you ever mess up and you realize you are in a situation you should not be, I want you to know that you can call me. No matter where you are. No matter who you are with. And I’ll respect the fact that you were smart enough to make the right decision. I’ll come and get you.”
One of my children told me later when they were older, ”Just knowing I could come to you with anything helped me, mom.”
We want our children to know that we are tough enough to handle the tough stuff. That it’s not our child’s job to protect us, but ours to help them make the best decisions they can, and if they need direction, we are there.
Does your child know you trust him or her? Do they know that if they do make a mistake, they aren’t stuck in that mistake. That they can call you in from the sidelines so that they can make a better choice?
2) We can’t fix our kid’s mistakes.
So, let’s clarify. In the above, we set an open tone with our kids. We want them to be able to come to us and to make a different choice. But let’s say that they didn’t do that. They used poor judgment, and natural consquences are now falling into place.
As moms (and dads) we want to take away all our kid’s pain. To make life easier than we had it. But learning through mistakes — real consequences – is important for maturity. It shapes our children’s character.
We don’t financially remove the burden. We don’t tell the principal that our kid is a great kid, not like that snotty kid down the street, and that our kid shouldn’t be suspended. We don’t clean up their messes. We don’t buy them a new car.
If there are natural consquences for their actions, we support them and encourage them and believe in them–while they assume that responsibility.
3) Second chances
I talked with a parent after a conference. She told me about her son. He was angry. He was acting out. Worse, he had stopped talking to her.
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
She told me about how he had messed up the year before. She went on to say how he had changed, how he was sincere in his efforts, but how she had lost all trust in him. His mistake was huge. The consequences of that act were still in place. She held the reins in tight because she knew it could happen again and it made her afraid. She treated him as if he were still the “screw-up” (her words) that he had been the year before.
“So, it’s like being in jail with no hope of parole?” I asked.
“Oh, wow,” she said, after a long pause. “No wonder he’s angry.”
We have to give our kids a second chance. Trust has to be rebuilt, and we let out the rope a little at a time in the process. We give them more freedom, baby steps if needed. We encourage them in their good choices. But most importantly, we put the previous behavior firmly in the past as we acknowledge who our child for is now.
We simply can’t parent out of fear.
I hope these have been helpful suggestions. I’d love to hear your stories, your questions. I’ll choose one comment on Monday and send an autographed copy of Real Issues, Real Teens: What Every Parent Needs to Know.
Writing that book, and the year-long conversations with teens across the nation, made me a better parent. I discovered that teens had a great deal to say about the pressures they face, about what we can do to help–or hurt–their faith, about how to open the door to communication, and what to do when things aren’t working.
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mostly I parent out of fear – fear that she will make the same mistakes that I did
June 17th, 2010 at 7:07 amThank you…I too get very fearful. My youngest just got her license, talks more of going to school out of state after graduating, anyways…we are heading into a new place with both kids. Reading this post brought much to me right now. Eldest is in Italy(2nd summer) working in a camp program then plans on touring alone for a week after her 5 weeks of work is done. Yet, even though employed in our home town as a teacher and living at home, talks much of venturing out for good. Anyways…there is this thing in hubby’s family that exists when one of the tribe moves away. I see it happening with my two girls and thankfully the Holy Spirit is already helping me cheerfully confront hubby on the prospect that we have two wonderful daughters who aren’t wrong in their thoughts, maybe living in rural Pa. isn’t God’s plan for them. So…wanting much to hear from eldest today…hhhh…she is spending two weeks working out of a convent near Rome and has seldom use of internet and last we knew her old Italian phone from last summer isn’t operating. It really is hard setting them free…we brag on their accomplishments then fret to God in prayer to watch over them… something is a touch out of order…thank you in helping me see where I need to change my perspective in prayer and speech.
June 17th, 2010 at 7:37 amI appreciate this morning’s devotion. I know the Lord was speaking to me. I know I am far from the perfect mom, but I also have sat back and watched friends hold their children so tightly that everyone knew when that child was away from their parents they became a different person. I prayed for my friend and her child through this situation, and would always say “I’m glad my relationship with my children are not like that.” My oldest is almost 15 and he has always been the one that clung to me as a young child. In the last couple of years, I have slowly seen more confidence building in him and he is changing. I know he is a good boy and that he loves the Lord. I also know that there aren’t very many teens around him that would draw him closer in his walk with God. I have found myself pulling him tighter because of that. I do know that there are little things I need to let him work through and trust that the foundation he has in a Christian family will hold. Sometimes I find the more I “talk”, or maybe he sees it as lecture, on keeping your walk in line with what God has for you, he shuts down to me. I also know that he listens, I have heard him repeat it or even live it. I cling to the verse Ps. 56:3. Such a simple verse my children learned as young kids, but I need every day during their teens! I will pray fervently for my children, love them abundantly and be there if they need me. Thank you that the Lord knew exactly what I needed this morning and He used your devotion in such a mighty way.
June 17th, 2010 at 7:56 amWow! Suzie your words today brought tears to my eyes. I am a parent holding on to the reigns too tightly. After reading your blog, I know I need to loosen them up and let her have more freedom to make choices and mistakes, that will help her grow and mature. Mostly I’m afraid of the potential for bad influence on her as she tends to be a follower instead of a leader. I know I have to trust God with her life, but it is hard.
June 17th, 2010 at 8:26 amAs the oldest of my three girls approaches the age where more freedom is required, it is definitely easier to allow fear to make decisions than it is to trust them and their upbringing. Perhaps I think them too similar to myself. My parents definitely clung too tight and when I got a taste of freedom, I went wild. I don’t want that to happen to my children, nor do I want to swing too far in the other direction and give them more freedom than they can handle. Parenting definitely is the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I want my children to honor God in their lives. Every resource that is available to me is treasured!
June 17th, 2010 at 8:42 amWhen I interviewed the teens for the book (and also worked with teens for nearly 20 years, so lots of conversations), another struggle that teens had is when boundaries were set — not because of their actions or their behavior — but because of another person’s actions. Perhaps an older sister who got pregnant, so the rule was “no dating ever” for younger sis, or a mom or dad who made tons of mistakes and paid dearly for them and so they don’t want the same thing to happen to their own child. The motivation was pure, but the method didn’t work because the foundation was fear.
June 17th, 2010 at 8:52 amIf there is one message that comes out of today’s post, it is “know your child”. Parent out of that knowledge.
I love your posts. Let’s keep talking.
My daughter will be 16 this summer. She is finishing up 10th grade and is starting exams tomorrow. She is amazing. She is everything I have worked so hard for her to be: independent, capable, compassionate, a great student, a good friend, a volunteer in our church, etc. I am finding it SO HARD to let go of the reins and it is driving her crazy. She wants to start being in charge of her own life. Not in unreasonable ways but in logical, age-appropriate ways. She wants to be in charge of her homework, her studying. She wants a part-time job to pay for the things in her life that are important to her (clothes, cell phone, laptop, etc). I know that it is good that she wants to be responsible. I know that it is good that wants to take on the responsibilities of life. I am so proud of her but all of these steps seem to take her further away from me. I am having such a hard time with that. She is becoming a young woman – where is my little girl? If I let her go, will she still want me in her life? Will she still be a part of mine? I want her to travel the world, to see and experience life. To study and get a job she loves. To make friends and a life for herself as a good citizen. To fall in love and have her own family. I worry that somehow this won’t include me. She’s all I have. If I lose her, I’ll be lost. The weird thing is that there is no evidence (yet) that this will happen. We still talk. We still hang out. But I am SO AFRAID to let her go. I am crying as I write this – typing this makes my fears all the more real. I love her so much, probably too much. I want to let go, but then what? I prayed your prayer at the end of your devotional. I imagine I will be praying it for days to come.
June 17th, 2010 at 9:07 amThank you for the devotion. I am a young mom and my prayer and hope is that when my child or children grow up, they will always be able to talk to me as their best friend. If they might make a life changing mistake that I could forgive and help them stand up and walk again.
June 17th, 2010 at 9:11 amReading the devotion caused me to wish so that my mom would have been more encouraging. I am the oldest in my family and i have six siblings. I grew up knowing that if I messed up i would prob hear about it over and over again. My siblings still live with that. Yes my mom trusted me in so many ways and she didnt have me tight on the leash like some of my friends were, but still I always wished to be close to my mom and be able to talk about the things that I felt really mattered in my life. I am married now and have a little daughter who I love so dearly. My fear is that I will end up being just like my mom. With God’s help I want to be the mom who is also her childrens friend.
I’m in the trenches of teenagers! My oldest is getting his first apartment in Aug for college! I’m a bit anxious, to say the least!
June 17th, 2010 at 9:13 amRight now…I’m just trying to hold it together. But inside, I’m losing it!
My girls are in high school, a senior & sophomore. Both hubby and I tend to be a tad bit controlling!
We have amazing kids. They love Christ and obey. They avoid anyone with values outside of their own and do not feel pressured to be like other’s.
Still…..I worry that someday, they’ll walk in a different direction!
I love your wisdom, Suzie!
And you!
I am defiinitely a parent holding on for dear life. I know I have hurt and hindered my 17 year old son from maturing and growing and learning from his mistakes, but a couple years ago whenhe was 15, he got his girlfriend pregnant. We are all reaping the financial responsibilities and emotional trauma of that error in judgement.Since then, I have been unable to let him alone with any girl and hesitate to let him out of my sight unless he is at work. I want to set him free and let him go. I have loosend up somewhat, but he continues to communicate with the babies mother who is controlling and turning him into something I do not like. Although they are not technically together, she still has all the control and say so in his life and the babies. I really do not know what to do. I feel like I am trying to protect him from her because she is definitely not good for him. It is hard to let him go and figure it out. I just hate it. What should I do? He still has one year of highschool left and then college. He is so young to be saddled with this huge responsibility. He is doing well and working and supporting the child while keeping his grades in the A B range, but not handling the relationship realm very well. Should I just let him go and not worry about his emotional well being as he is being led and controlled by this girl?
June 17th, 2010 at 9:16 amReally enjoyed your post. Being a widow with no children and dating a man with children. I am like a sponge soaking up all that I find concerning preteens and teens….Praying that God uses me and places me where I need to be in their lives. Thank you
June 17th, 2010 at 9:39 amI wish my mum would read this! It is like being in jail with no hope of parole – every little thing is remembered and cast up every time I make another mistake.
And so far I have only made little mistakes with short, not-serious consequences! You know, nothing disastrous, no huge betrayal of trust. Whatever happened to forgive and forget? As such I have trouble forgiving myself for anything even now I’m in my twenties.
June 17th, 2010 at 9:52 amThank you for your devotion, it speaks to my Mother’s heart. I often wake in the middle of the night consumed with doubts that I am doing the right thing as a mother, fearful of the outcomes of the things I’ve done or neglected to do. I am coming to realize that this is an expression of my mistrust of God. The fear that is controlling my actions is in essence doubt that God is big enough to handle my child’s life. I have to learn to trust in the sovereignty of God, His love toward me and my child. I must remind myself that He has a plan for our lives. It is a moment by moment process of re-thinking (or inserted right thinking). Recognizing lies of the enemy that would cause me to fear, rob me of my peace and instead replacing those thoughts with the truth of God’s word. I must remind myself that even if I or my child makes a mistake, God will forgive us, redirect us and work it all out for good.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:02 amMy prayer is that I will with God’s help teach my children to see themselves as God sees them not a warped false image founded on fear.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
Hi–we are just starting the teen years and I too parent out of worry and fear and need to trust God, love and let go. I would love to win a copy of this book–thanks for your advice and encouragement!
Jennifer
June 17th, 2010 at 10:05 amI have raised three sons to adulthood, though one is technically still a teen at 19. I worry about him so much. I’m just not certain that he’s had the life experiences to make good choices. He’s still so immature. And then there’s the ‘baby’ of the family. Perched on the threshold of his teen years. Even though I’ve been through this three times already, I know this will be different because each child is different, and because the youngest son and I have been so close. Trusting is hard. Letting go is the hardest.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:15 amWow! I am not even there yet…my daughter is 5 1/2, but I recognized some not so great traits about myself while I was reading this post…yes, even with a 5 yr. old I sometimes parent out of fear…Your post has helped me to see that in myself & start practicing trust…even if it’s only on the playground for now!
THANK YOU for such wise words!!
June 17th, 2010 at 10:37 amThank you so much for your blog and devotion on Proverbs 31. We have a daughter entering her teen years and I do find myself very worried and fearful of what experiences my daughter will have available to her and being able to trust her and allowing her to make her own choices. I cling so very close to the Lord to get me through things in life but I need to trust Him with every detail in my children’s life. Thank you again! : )
June 17th, 2010 at 10:43 amWow….I love the Lord. He is so amazing. I was going to skip right over the 31 devotional today for vacuuming is looming, but the Lord planted me right behind my computer for what I pray is going to be a life changer! I have had the hardest time letting go especially with my 12 soon to be 13 yr. old son. The BIGGEST issue with me is TECHNOLOGY. I am wigging out because I am so fearful that this is a monster lurking to grab hold of my baby boy. I am constantly taking issue with the “screens”, TV, video games, computer, cell phone. I want him to be outside playing while he can! But the world tells him he must be texting, fb’ing, emailing, DS ing, etc to literally have friends. I will not give him a cell phone, he doesn’t have a fb page, we limit him with TV and video games and I can tell its driving a wedge b/w us. He was caught one time googling something inappropriate but truly I think it was natural curiosity about sexuality. BUT… what is natural becomes unnatural b/c of the availability of smut via technology! UGH! He is such a smart, funny, fun to be around kid, but I am ruining our relationship soley because I can’t trust the things around him. How much do you let go? How much do you give him? All I seem to say to him is no. The Lord wants me yes to trust my boy, but mainly He is saying to me….”Trust ME”. Got to do it! It starts today!
June 17th, 2010 at 10:46 amOh boy…I love how God uses others to express a message He needs me to have. I am the oldest of three children and LONGED for my parents to hold tighter because I really made a mess of things – made lots of mistakes and only recently learned from them. Now I am raising a child as a single parent and I’m holding too tight. I’ve even told her that I don’t trust her completely; and I totally don’t trust others and their intentions when it comes to her, or myself. I guess that is part of the remains from a bad marriage and years of abuse we (my daughter and I) endured. My biggest obstacle is the fear of her making bad choices to spite me or even without knowing that the choice is the wrong one. I suppose all parents want to make the lives of their children better than what they recall theirs was like and somehow try to cushion the kids from all the pain. It’s very hard. Too hard it seems.
June 17th, 2010 at 11:05 amWhat if they give you a reason to not trust them? Both of my kids, under the influence of my ex-husband, have done very hurtful things to me.
June 17th, 2010 at 11:23 amSomehow, I’m always amazed at how God provides answers and/or help with just what we’re going through. My oldest just turned 13 a month ago and he and I are struggling. Our relationship has always been easy and natural. He has gone from my well-behaved, helpful, never questioning child to someone I feel like I don’t know. I sat in church on Sunday, after searching the church for him because he was not in service, and I had no words except “I don’t know” over and over. I know that GOd understood my heart. I don’t want to shut down and lock down my son but I have no idea how to parent a teen. And I hate that it is so hard already!
June 17th, 2010 at 11:38 amI am just entering into the teenage years with my kids. It is so easy for me to fall into the pattern of parenting out of fear. My oldest is a great, trustworthy kid. It is tough for me to let go of whatever control that I thought that I had when they were younger.
June 17th, 2010 at 11:38 amThank you for writing this book to help those of us who are enbarking on or in the think of parenting our teens.
Just what I needed today. I have a 17 year old daughter. She’s never really messed up. You’ve made me realize I do need to loosen the strings. She growing up and no matter how hard I want to hold her close, she’ got to spread those wings. I just want to keep her protected from anything that could hurt her. But you’re right, she needs to learn how to live life and what to do when something happens. Yes, her dad and I will be there for her, no matter what. It’s so hard to let her go and at the same time make her understand we don’t keep the reins tight out of meanness but out of love. I’m really gonna try harder. I know God is in control. And I’ve got to remember to trust He’s taking care of her. Thank you for opening the door for me and for my daughter.
June 17th, 2010 at 12:13 pmAs my children have gotten older I find myself parenting out of fear more and more. I am realizing that my time to parent them is quickly running out and that makes me want to hold on tightly for as long as I can. I am looking forward to reading this book and and experiencing the joy of being able to let go knowing that they are ready.
June 17th, 2010 at 1:02 pmThank you – my daughter is almost 14 and quite often I just assume she’ll make the same lame choices I did. What’s so different though is that we are raising her in a Godly home, she has confidence, her own values and an amazing support system! Thank you for sharing and giving me more confidence!
June 17th, 2010 at 1:33 pmYou really spoke to me today. I have parented out of fear in the past and even though I have realized it before today it is hard to let go of the fear, take hold of God and trust Him with my children. The fear stems from my childhood and past mistakes. It really has nothing to do with my children (15 and 17) or their character, but they perceive it that way not understanding where I am coming from. I have come to realize that if I am focused on the fearful situation I am actually pushing them in that direction. But, when I let go of the fear and parent with joy and confidence that they grab hold of that instead of the negative I was focused on before. When I act out of fear I am bound and ineffective; my children respond negatively, but when I refuse to give in to the fear and trust the Lord asking Him to help me to raise the children He has loaned me according to His will and for His glory He takes the fear and replaces it with peace and courage and enables me to make decisions that are proactive rather than reactive; my children receive that positively and respond in like manner. Being able to read that other parents are going through the same thing helps so much. Your comments were so encouraging and have helped me to “not grow weary in well doing, knowing we shall reap in due season if we do not loose heart” Gal 6:9. Thank you!
June 17th, 2010 at 1:35 pmWow! I can’t believe that I opened up my Proverbs 31 today and got hit hard again! I should be expecting it by now as this is the 3rd time in 2 weeks that I have been literally on my knees about different issues and I open up my devotion and there is God’s answer or words of wisdom right there. This is such a good post for me today. We are just beginning to navigate the teen years and it is extremely hard for me to not have the control over his choice of friends, situations etc. that I have in the past. I am also struggling with giving some rope and letting go and what that looks like. How much is enough at 13 and how much is too much. I want to be the best parent for my child possible and I can’t do that if I am always listening to the doubts or the fears in the back of my mind. I need to place my children in God’s hands, do the best I can while walking through these years and trust that God has a plan for my sons and will not leave their sides.
June 17th, 2010 at 1:35 pmThank you for the great advice. My little ones are not even tweens yet, but I can always use advice. I parent out of fear at times. Last night at a restaurant, I assured my six year old that I knew she could go to the restroom by herself and that she did not need my help; but Mommy just did not feel comfortable letting her go alone with so many “don’t knows” (that’s what we call strangers in our house) around. I told her I just did not trust the don’t knows and I did not want anything to happen to her. I know the day is coming when I will have to let her go to the restroom alone in a public place, but I’m not letting go of those reins just yet.
June 17th, 2010 at 1:41 pmWe have a son who just graduated high school. He got his first job 2 weeks ago and is quitting his job today with no job lined up. I am so very disappointed in him. He says that his boss is always riding his tail about not making the pizza crust right, not kneading the dough correctly, not putting enough sauce on, not fast enough in putting on his pizza making coat, etc. Last wkend he was yelled at so much that one of the other workers started crying because she felt so bad for him. I guess everything he does is not good enough in her eyes. When our son was hired, they also hired 8 others and all have either quit or been fired. He has been so stressed out that he has lost 10 pounds. I feel badly for him but at the same time, I don’t think he gave it enough time. He needs the job in order to pay for some of his upcoming college expenses. Does anybody have any input? We have also said that if he doesn’t find another job, he no longer can drive the car and XBox will be packed up. Are we wrong in our boundaries and threats??
June 17th, 2010 at 1:44 pmHey moms, it’s okay to set reasonable boundaries. Not only okay, but important. Letting go isn’t throwing out boundaries, or failing to teach them what is safe. It’s knowing your child and working within the trust that you have built.
One mom asked, what if they aren’t trustworthy? Same advice. Know your child. But let’s take it one step further. Love your child with words, actions, while you address the behavior. Your child and the behavior are two separate things.
Set reasonable and consistent consequences (to address the behavior) while you show your teen that you believe that they are valuable, that you believe in them (even if they don’t believe in themselves yet), and that it’s possible to rebuild trust.
I love your comments. I’m reading all of them. I’ll address many of you privately, but for now I’m praying with each of you.
Suzie
June 17th, 2010 at 1:51 pmThanks Suzie for providing the inspiration and the book in such a timely manner! We are not *quite* there, but any day now.
God Bless.
June 17th, 2010 at 2:57 pmSuzie,
June 17th, 2010 at 3:05 pmYou are so right. Parenting out of fear does not work but it does seem to be my knee-jerk reaction when I am feeling out of control. Letting go of that control is so hard and now that my health is questionable at best, my fear for my kids’ future is greater as I lose control over my own life. I want to give them everything I can before I no longer can give them anything. I have an almost 13 year old daughter and an almost 6 year old daughter. I admire your ability to recognize your personal short-comings and make the necessary changes to help your mother/daughter relationship thrive. I want to make those changes too.
Thank you for your inspiration.
Geralyn
If you can put all of these comments into one that would be me. My son will be 16 in a couple of months & my daughter will be 7 this month. Talk about 2 ends of the spectrum. Letting go is SO hard!
June 17th, 2010 at 4:02 pmThanks for sharing,
Tracy
Wow, is all can say!!! Last night my husband and my 17 year old son just had a blow up about this topic. What a blessing it was to read my proverbs and know that God knew I needed this today. I too hold the reins way too tight. My son has not made mistakes that would lead me to pull the reins in, but I haven’t given him the freedom that he deserves either. I grew up with a very strict father and went wild when I went to college and wished that I could redo my college days. I don’t want this to happen to my son, but I guess I really needed to read this today to make me realize that it will happpen if I don’t let go. He has a good head on his shoulders, I just need to trust him now. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read this this morning. God is great in the way he knows what we need.
June 17th, 2010 at 4:14 pmSuzie, thank you for your constant encouragement through your devotions. I am thankful God sends His words and love through for others to experience.
I am a new mother of an infant(!) who already parents out of fear! At this point, there are some people who might would say, ‘Oh, there’s no hope for her… or her child!’ But, thankfully, we know of God’s strength and everlasting love, or I would be one of those without hope!
One of the most surprising things about parenting already has been how STRONG and deep all of my feelings for my son are, whether it be excitement, admiration, fear, or, of course and strongest, love. I love this line from your devotion about your daughter: “She wasn’t perfect, but she tried really hard to do the right thing, not for me, but because of her faith and her own convictions.” My husband and I want that for our son.
Your devotion and comments make great points on why we (as if we should ever doubt!) should trust God with our children. As many of the moms have posted, too, trusting is hard, but essential. And, as one of your commenters said, “freedom is required.” I love that comment. Our children do need freedom to make choices and learn from them, and we need to give them the foundation of God’s Word and love to guide them in making strong, good choices.
I know I need to trust God wholeheartedly with my son’s life and growth, and I often struggle to do so. I would benefit greatly from prayer, and right now I will pray for all of us moms. Many of the other posts have provided more encouragement for me, so thank you to the other moms who have posted! (Posting is out of my comfort zone, and something I have just begun to be brave enough to do!)
On an unrelated note, I am halfway through your book “The Woman I Am Becoming,” and I’m loving it and finding it quite insightful, especially the friendship chapter, which is something I’ve put on the back burner as a wife and a mother. I think my husband has even enjoyed hearing me talk about encouraging portions. Thank you for writing it. I look forward to reading more of your books.
In Christ,
June 17th, 2010 at 10:58 pmCaroline
Thank you for writing about such an important situation. I am about to enter those tween years with my oldest child. I hope to be able to address the issues that arise with her in a spirtual mindset. EVERYONE makes mistakes!!!!! It is how we learn. I just fear making mistakes that negatively impact my relationship with my children – like not letting them gain independence!!!! I am working with my daughter right now on handling situations herself – right or wrong. Usually, she knows what the right thing is to do. I am trying to teach her to do the right thing, even when it is hard!!!! Thanks again for you inspiration and encouargement!!!!!!
Staci
June 18th, 2010 at 8:08 amThank you for your words of encouragement today. You are right about Letting Go!! I have two grown daughters that are now 28 and 23. It is still hard at times. I think your book would help me as I raise my boys 16, 13 and 11. Thanks again!!
DeAnna
June 18th, 2010 at 8:12 amI thought I was the only that struggled with this. Am so glad I see other godly parents struggle too. I have a 16 and 13 year old. Both such different personalities. Many times I am in tears becasue I make my 13year old (son)mad with my decisions. I wish there were answers in a book that would just tell me how to handle it. I don’t know – am I making decisions for him out of fear? He’s is such a great kid, but he is only 13. I don’t know, I am confused.
I was in a head on car collision and it took me a long time to let my 16 year old (dtr) drive. I was so afraid of all that oncoming traffic, especially trucks that I couldn’t let her go. I finally realized this was out of fear and I had to let her go. I’m taking small steps with her – like driving the 30 miles to school. I still haven’t let her drive into town but hopefully this summer I will loosen up and let her go there too.
Thanks all you moms and Suzie for your input and insight.
Nanci
June 18th, 2010 at 11:52 amThank you for choosing that particular topic and on a day that I needed it. My son will soon be 14 and he’s not as open as he used to be. Instead of being close (like always), I feel like we are traveling on different paths. I constantly wonder if it’s me or just a “teenager” thing. I pray for Godly wisdom to be the parent he needs me to be and for him to make good decisions. Please keep us in your prayers! Blessings to you!!!!!
June 18th, 2010 at 1:41 pmWow, what an insightful devotion! Also loved reading your blog. I wonder sometimes if I am and have been too restricting and maybe even “bullied” my son too much over his mistakes. Reading this has caused me to think about trusting more (because he truly deserves it) and being more encouraging when mistakes are made, as opposed to reacting in a way that causes my son to think I’m disappointed in him every time he makes any kind of mistake. I am very proud of my son, but I wonder sometimes if he believes that I am. This makes me sad to have to ask the question. Thank you for your devotion today.
June 18th, 2010 at 3:27 pmWOW! Thanks so much for the devotion and I enjoyed coming on over to the blog. I have a stepson 16 years old and a daughter 5 years old. I totally parent out of fear. I want to protect them from everything. When my stepson got his driver’s licenses, my husband wanted to let our daughter ride to school with him. My first response was “ABSOLUTELY NOT!”. After I took a minute to process (God is teaching me to process emotions instead of melting down:), I had the thought that I may not trust my stepson completely (the stepmother issues), but I do trust my husband and most importantly I TRUST GOD PERIOD. I have realized that I can’t always be with my daughter to protect her, but God is always with her and my stepson. The hardest thing to do is to truly and completely leave our kids in God’s hands. When we can do that and with anything, completely rely on God, there is no need for fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 has my verse for fear since I was a child afraid of thunderstorms, who knew I would someday use is concerning my kids. (God knew:). Thank you for this great devotion and I am so glad to find your blog. May God continue to bless your ministry.
June 18th, 2010 at 4:46 pmSuzie, thank you for sharing this timely subject. I parented way too much out of fear and lack of trust in God’s control. As a result, my relationship with our 19 year old son isn’t as good as I would like. I have held on too tightly. I want to apologize to him and allow God to work in me to be different towards him and allow him to grow and continue being the great young man he already is. When we don’t trust God with our children and we feel out of control, we truly aren’t modeling for them God’s best.
Thank you for such great insights.
June 18th, 2010 at 5:14 pmI have a 12 year old who is heading into the “fun” teen years, with 2 younger siblings behind him. I am trying very hard to not parent out of fear. I remind myself God has a plan for them and remind them also. This book sounds like it would be a really good tool.
June 18th, 2010 at 5:41 pmThanks, I needed that. It’s hard for me to let go. On the one hand I want my kids to become independent, strong-in-their-faith adults. But I don’t like that i’ts often through adversity we become that way. I have to remind myself that God loves them more than I do. He IS a perfect parent and I’m not. EVERYTHING He does and allows in their lives (and mine too for that matter) is to bring them to a deeper relationship with Him.
Thanks for your blog. I just discovered it and look forward to being reminded how to let God, the perfect Father, parent through me.
June 19th, 2010 at 11:01 am