my teen is acting out
October 15, 2010 | Family: Nurturing Family, Q&A: Dear Friend
Dear Suzie: I’m struggling as a mom. Lately my 13-year-old daughter is acting out and seeking battles. Last night I spanked her for being disrespectful. It’s not that I wanted to, and it hurt because I really have a good kid, but I just can’t let this keep on.
Because of my background, I promised myself that I wouldn’t spank and I struggle with knowing if I’m causing more harm than good. I do know that I shouldn’t spank in anger so I always ‘check’ myself first and make sure that I’m not reacting in/from anger.
When is restricting privileges and activities not enough? How is the best way to set boundaries in behavior when the child continues to disobey or act out?
I so want to be a caring mom. I want her memories of me to be good ones and the lessons learned to remain.
A Moms Together mom (used with permission)
Dear Mom,
Did you know that your teen’s brain is still developing? In fact, she will still be developing impulse control and the ability to make wise decisions into her early twenties. This explains so much about our kids, doesn’t it?
It means she is a work in progress. Our job as parents is to shape that child as he or she grows into adulthood. Our long-term goals are to raise a person with integrity and character, who is responsible with her words and actions, and who is able to go out into the world and contribute, as well as forge her own path.
Wow, that sound like a lot!
To help achieve that long-term goal, we get to encourage our kids to grow through the gaps. It sounds like she’s in a growing gap right now. She’s on the cusp of becoming a young adult. Eleven is the new 13, and so at 13 she’s already dealing with a lot of stuff, mom. Peer pressure. Peers having sex or experimenting with sex. Peers who are experimenting with drugs (or over the counter medications). She may or may not know her place in the world, or maybe she’s carving out a path.
To help our teens find their way, they need to know that home is a safe place. A place where they are loved and accepted conditionally. Their world is scary enough at times, so home can’t be unwelcome or uncertain.
How do you do that? You separate the child from the behavior. You let her know that no matter what she’s loved. When she looks in your eyes, she’s safe. That means lots of catching her doing things right. That means hugs. That means a smile, a genuine one, from time to time. That means leaving notes on the pillow letting her know the things you love about her.
Second, you address the behavior separately. That means that you won’t use “you statements”, like you are so lazy, or you never do what I ask.
Why? That’s disrespectful, and it teaches them that you ask for one thing, but do another. Ouch.
If the issue is disrespect, then everyone has to be respectful. When she talks back you say, “I love you sis, but that’s not okay.” A warning. That warning is important. If she continues, you give a reasonable consequence. Immediately. The same one you gave last time. The same one you’ll give tomorrow.
Discipline has to be immediate, have a beginning and end time, and in proportion. (She’s too old to be spanked. Lots of body issues happening at the age of 13.) When the discipline is over, it’s over. You don’t bring it back up. It’s a fresh slate.
Okay, this is where it gets sticky. If she’s used to engaging in word-fare, she’ll talk back. “You’re not fair!”
Don’t engage.
Don’t lose it.
Don’t fight back. Don’t try to bargain. Don’t tell her how much she doesn’t appreciate you. Don’t scream. Don’t throw things. Don’t let steam come out of your ears.
Because it’s really not about you. It’s not personal. She’s not trying to make life miserable. She’s a work in progress. Maybe a real, big work in progress.
Separate the child from the behavior.
It will take time. There are patterns in place, and it will take time to see if you really have changed. Yes, I said you. : ) She might test you to see if you’ll fall back into old patterns. She might be confused because suddenly there’s this new mom, all cool and calm and wise.
It will take time. Change always does, but the end results are worth it.
Next Friday on Moms Together and here we’ll talk about how to separate willfull behavior from “I’m a work in progress and make mistakes” behavior. It’s an important distinction. One that will help you know how to give consequences.
So, begin here, okay mom? And I love that you want to be the best mom. I hear your heart. I love that you check yourself before disciplining in anger. I think most of us identify with that. I think that many of us have went into closed rooms before and stood in the dark wondering if we have a clue about this thing called parenting. So, you’re not alone.
The good news is that when we parent long-term, we set a foundation for our children (even teens) that is safe, loving, consistent, and calm.
Today I’m offering a giveaway of an autographed copy of Real Issues, Real Teens: What Every Parent Needs to Know. I interviewed hundreds of teens on issues of faith, pressure, home, family, why they might not talk and what they would say if they did, and much, much more. It’s a book that changed me as a mom, even as I listened to hundreds of teens.
It offers worksheets to help you relate to your teen, and tangible helps to grow your relationship with your teen.
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oh man….talk about timing!
October 15th, 2010 at 9:00 amI blame hormones, because she is Dr Jekyl one minute, and Mr Hyde the next! And she will look me square in the eye and defy me. I am almost frightened by it, I mean, what can you do if she simply digs her heels in and refuses to submit. Pray pray and pray. And its when she is at the height of defiance that I can see myself at her age! Mama always said that I would understand once I had kids! LOL! Please understand, my kid is a good kid with the biggest heart. But because she is a good girl, this all comes as a much bigger hurdle for us, we have not been slowly building to this with a kid that gets in trouble from day one. The girl-child and I are so exhausted at the end of a go round. Of course, thats when we get our best snuggles. Funny that.
were you at my house this morning? cause i really really needed to read this – i have a 13 yo too and she seems almost “mean” sometimes to everyone around her – its very frustrating for me – and i know that i have broken several of the things that we arent supposed to do as parents — and that is even more frustrating — thanks for being you and letting God use you to help us moms!
October 15th, 2010 at 9:31 amWhat do you do when those consequences just don;t seem to work? Mine seems to be willfully chosing to break rules and doesn’t mind that there will be consequences. It’s harder to nurture and accept a child who’s not giving you much to work with because they say they just don;t care and are going to do what they want regardless of the rules or the consequneces. Smokescreen or bigger problem? It seems my only choice is to make life miserable.
October 15th, 2010 at 10:04 amWow. I just might print this out and refer to it when my kids get to this point.
I love this: “You separate the child from the behavior. You let her know that no matter what she’s loved. When she looks in your eyes, she’s safe.”
So, so, so important. I pray God will give me wisdom, perseverance, and patience to show this to my children at all times.
October 16th, 2010 at 12:19 amThis was masterfully said. It’s like a one-page hand-out of the 20 books I’ve read on good parenting. Nice!!!
And on another note, can I just vent that my 8 year old sounds like this 13 year old already? *groan*
October 16th, 2010 at 1:42 amMy 8 1/2 year old is going through this exact stage! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve locked myself in the bathroom, taking a time out and a hot bath. I know he’s going through alot. His dad and I recently divorced and he learned alot of the defiant behavior and bargaining from his dad. I’m hoping that time and distance will help, and praying that change happens soon. This is a wonderful article and I really needed it today. I can’t wait for next Friday’s article!
October 16th, 2010 at 8:23 amthank you!
perfect timing (thanks God!)
I would love it if you could address how to deal with this same child when Dad is playing the “friend” role and Mom is the “strict” one and child tells you this to your face. We’ve talked time and time again about being on the same page but still I find myself being the one to initiate and follow through with discipline and even reminding my husband to follow through with the given consequence.
October 17th, 2010 at 7:49 pmthanks for all you do!
Well said! We are never to old to learn “New tricks” my bunch range from 18 to 18mo..so I am a work in progress right along with all of my kids.
October 18th, 2010 at 9:33 amThank you for this great post! With 10 and 16 year old girls in the house it is definately hard to refrain from acting out of frustration when attitudes from my girls are not as they should be. Thank you for the reminder to separate the behavior from the child and to discipline against the behavior. This is especially hard lately as my 10 year old daughter’s father passed away in May and she has definately been acting out even more lately and it is often hard to deal with these outbursts with love. The behavior still needs correcting but she needs a higher level of compassion at the same time. I truly appreciate your wisdom on this!
October 18th, 2010 at 9:37 amGod Bless you always