Parenting and the power of perspective {{giveaway}}
January 19, 2011 | Books, Family: Nurturing Family, Feelings: Intentional freedom
It had been a hard week. I had three teens. Good kids. But parenting had been challenging and I had lost my patience, my temper. I had went into my bedroom, shut the door, and in the darkness I confessed to God that sometimes I didn’t have a clue.
I went to my pastor and asked if he knew of a book, or a class I could take. Sometimes a mom just needs a little extra support, or knowledge, right?
“I think you should start that class,” he said.
“What?” It’s not the answer I wanted. I had come to him for answers.
Two weeks later the Parenting Teens class started. It was one of the best moves I had ever made (thanks, Pastor).
You see, I gained perspective in that class on a couple of different levels. One, I learned that I wasn’t alone. That parenting is hard for everyone at some point. Even if they are good kids. Especially when they are teens, and there are three of them, and they are stretching toward adulthood, wanting you to let go, and you are holding tight, struggling to let them go.
Two, I worked with the teens in my church. I had heard them privately speak about their family challenges. Now, I was hearing the other side. Suddenly I had a complete picture.
A parent might say, “I’m so scared that she’ll do what I did.” And a teen might be saying, “I’m a good kid. Why can’t my mom trust me?”
I remember thinking, “If only they both knew what the other was thinking”.
This helped me to begin to listen to my child, to understand that I had my perspective, but what was his or her’s? That led to another class of sorts. You know that book I was searching for? I wrote it. I started talking to teens across the nation. I asked them lots of questions, like:
- What is your world like, and what pressures do you face?
- Are there times you don’t talk to mom or dad, but wish you could? What stops that conversation?
- How can a parent help or hurt you in your faith walk?
- What does family look like to you?
- If you could say one thing to your mom or dad, what would it be?
- If you’ve made a mistake, what do you need from your parent? If your parent has made a mistake, what do you need from your parent?
That was the beginning of a 9-month conversation that literally opened up my world as a mom. I had worked with teens for years. I had teens. But it was no-hold barred conversation where I listened without advice, without rebuttal, without censure, and these insightful, honest, sometimes angry, many-times-wise teens shifted my perspective. It made me a better mom. That book turned into Real Issues, Real Teens: What Every Parent Needs to Know.
Shifting my perspective to see not just my point of view, but to walk alongside my teens helped me have a clue. I still had those moments, every family has those moments, but it offered me the opportunity to see the whole picture and to respond with a little more clarity.
I remember a conversation I had with my daughter one day. I apologized for missing something she had said. Before I was so focused on how I felt that I had not listened to what she was saying.
“Wow, mom, that’s pretty awesome,” she said. “How did you know?” I didn’t tell her it had come from the “5 Things Teens Say They Wish Their Parents Knew” chapter and that it was the heart and wisdom of 900 teens that had helped me. I just smiled and let her think that it was an Awesome Mom Day.
Today I want to give away an autographed copy of that book. I hope the voices of 900 teens will also encourage and enlighten you as a mom of teens, preteens, or someone who works with teens in any way. I promise it will be eye opening. Just leave a comment and I’ll choose a winner on Friday.
I also want to share another resource: Home Sweet Home – a 50-minute audio CD where I teach the “5 things that teens say make home a sweet home, a place where they want to be”. You can order it for $12.50, which includes shipping. It’s a resource for you or your parenting group. Listen to it and pass it along! You can order it here.
RSS feed for comments on this post.
The URI to TrackBack this entry is:
http://www.tsuzanneeller.com/2011/01/19/parenting-and-the-power-of-perspective-giveaway/trackback/
RSS Feed
I have two teenage daughters who are wonderful kids but sometimes…
January 19th, 2011 at 9:54 amAnd the silly thing is I know that they say the same thing about me. What a wonderful book, I look forward to reading it.
Thinking this book sounds awesome! I have spent most of my sons 18 years searching for resources on my own. It is so nice to find recommendations! And while many would say I’m almost done (I say it too) I want a good more open relationship with my young adult son as we transition into a ‘friend’ relationship. Thanks for sharing!
January 19th, 2011 at 9:59 amSee, the thing is, I DO understand, and because she is my mini-me, its hard really hard. But for us to totally get the picture, we would need to be paying 100 percent attention to each other all the time. And she has two little brothers who need me too. I don’t have the time or energy to get to the bottom of every mood swing and over reaction. I need succinct. And 11 doesn’t do succinct! When I parcel out private 1 on 1 time, she is angelic and we totally connect. The minute that its that 3:1 ratio again, poof, the disdainful tween returns. I am trying to parent strong this week, but its hard. Its so much easier to just be angry with each other. But that is not who I want to be or who we want to be.
January 19th, 2011 at 10:04 amSo.
I would like to order two extra large bottles of perspective, one for her and one for me. Do they come with a money back guarantee?
I just read the Mom I Want to Be and was just thinking this would be my next selection! Suzie, thank you for answering God’s calling on your life!
January 19th, 2011 at 10:09 amSuzie,
January 19th, 2011 at 10:11 amYou & I have talked via email about my struggles in raising my daughter (now a full-fledged teenager) as a single mom. You have given me such encouragement and resources – I thank you. It is important to really listen, not just lay the rules down. Reality is, it is an exercise in compromise and communication that can/will surpass anything that claims to be that. Is it easy? Nope. I still find myself walking away to calm down before erupting so that I can return and really talk & listen to what my child is saying – to get a clear picture of the situation/problem in order to either help her seek the solution or put it in perspective.
I’m in the very same shoes. I don’t want my children to grow up the way I did and yet my daughter is moving full blast into the teen years, while her younger two siblings are just coming out of the toddler years. I had her when I was 17 and most times don’t feel like God has equipped me to have this child. The toddler years are a breeze compared to the tween and teen years. It’s simple to love, bath, clothe, feed, and discipline them. Each day that passes into the teen years, the water gets ever murkier!
January 19th, 2011 at 10:16 amSuzette, I love the humor and the honesty. It is hard. But let’s look long term rather than short term. Short term = frustration. Long term means that this will pay off as her brain develops, as she matures, as she becomes a woman. Long term. Long term. Long term. : ) Wouldn’t it be nice to have a video camera so that we could see the results of “one day”? Then we would simply be able to sit back and shrug off the frustration and say, “oh, well this is only temporary”. In a sense, faith is a biggest part of our parenting arsenal. : )
January 19th, 2011 at 10:17 amAnd the money-back guarantee? Call me in 15 years and we’ll see if you need it!
I would love to win your book. I am right in the middle of the teen years w/ our first daughter.
We started giving her some freedom last summer. Then those freedoms had to be completely removed due to choices that she made. We are struggling at this point to know how much freedom to give her back. She still doesn’t seem trustworthy, although she assures us that she is.
We were youth pastors for several years and thought we had all of the answers – but obviously we dont.
Thank you for considering my post to be the winner of your book
January 19th, 2011 at 10:55 amThis book sounds like what I need. I’ve heard that raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree. Having 2 in my home, I agree completely! I would LOVE to take a “parenting teens” class, but haven’t found any near here, so I read book hoping to find the info/knowledge/methods that will work. And of course, pray pray pray!
January 19th, 2011 at 11:34 amI think I need your book. My son’s friends say I awesome, but my son never does!
January 19th, 2011 at 4:00 pmThe book and the audio will be a great asset in today’s world. I look forward to gaining some knowledge in this area. I have a daughter that is 11 and I help with our youth group and they are open with me but sometimes I’m not sure what to say. Thankfully the Holy Spirit is with me guiding me through. It’s a tough age.
January 19th, 2011 at 4:03 pmAWESOME as always! I say this everytime…but I know this post was just for me!
I’m deep in the trenches with 2 beautiful teen girls & a 20 yr old college son! But I’m flawed and I need Jesus every parenting step I take.
January 19th, 2011 at 4:59 pmLove your sweet words so much!
I have two college age children,21 & 19, who are still living at home as they commute to their schools. I also work with a small group of high school girls and know this book would be so beneficial as I spend time with them. Thanks for allowing God to use you.
January 20th, 2011 at 11:14 amI have a sister who is struggling with a daughter who is totally out of control. As a single mother raising her daughter in the inner city of new york has not been easy. She could differently use some insight.
Thanks
January 20th, 2011 at 11:59 amI love how you stepped in to that when you were looking for help yourself. That’s kinda the story of my life in a lot of ways too. It’s so amazing what God does through our own need. Thanks for the reminder to listen more than I worry about my own fears and thoughts with my kids!
January 20th, 2011 at 12:30 pmI have 2 teen age sons. Most of the time I feel like I am doing a pretty good job and then “Wham” something happens that seriously has me questioning it. Every day life is always so much fun.
January 20th, 2011 at 2:32 pmThanks so much i’ve also been wondering what i’m doing sometimes, and how to handle the 2 i have.
January 20th, 2011 at 8:14 pmSuz,
January 21st, 2011 at 10:11 amYou are so right!. Most of the time the things I get on my kids about are things I’m worried she will do, not things she has even done. I’m desparately trying to raise her and her brother better than I was raised, but just keep messing it up because of my own hang ups. They are both really good kids, and yet I still find myself saying and doing the wrong things with them. Ugh!
Oh man so did I miss it then?! I have two “teen’s” right now (my kiddos are 21, 18,16 and 10) and I would love this! My two oldest girls are in college and doing great but it’s still a struggle at times as I feel so out of the loop, my 16 year old and I have totally butted heads the last couple years (especially with Dad deployed and truthfully not that involved when he was home!) it’s getting better but I would so love some additional insight as I feel at a loss at times on how to encourage him in his walk with the Lord and just how to be a man .. since I’m NOT (snort)….. Seeing some fruit but a hearty AMEN on the toddlers are easier! Babies and wee ones take more physical energy but tweens/teens take more mental/emotional in my view!
Sounds like a great read!
Blessings!
January 22nd, 2011 at 10:48 pmCongratulations Gina!
January 23rd, 2011 at 10:52 am