When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

December 14, 2011 | Faith: Knowing Christ, Feelings: Intentional freedom

Have you ever struggled to know what to say? Perhaps a friend is going through a divorce she didn’t ask for, or she just received news that she is struggling to comprehend.

Twenty years ago I found out I had cancer. Many friends rallied around me, making life easier.

But I also remember fielding comments from a few that brought me to my knees–literally.

They cared. I knew that, but because they didn’t know what to say they said things like this:

My husband/uncle/father/mother/sister/neighbor had cancer. They fought it to the bitter end. He/she suffered (add grisly details here), but just like you he had such faith–all the way to the end.

Fear is such a part of our battles. Many times I left those who had just “encouraged” me and went to my room and fell to my knees, asking God to help me grapple with the weight crushing me from their words.

It’s not that I was in denial. I couldn’t be.

But I would have rather had them wrap their arms around me and say, “I don’t have words, Suzie, but I love you. I’m here.”

Perhaps this holiday season you know of someone who is struggling. Perhaps you’re even staying away because you don’t know what to say.

Can I share what I needed?

• I needed friends to remember me. I was still Suzie. Everything I loved the day before I found out I was sick, I still loved. I wanted to talk about those things. I wanted to laugh. I wanted every one to get rid of the sad faces around me.

• When I wanted to talk about my fears, I would. But with faith. Regardless of the outcome, I knew that I was solidly in God’s hands. He was there during chemo. He was there when I heard the first diagnosis, and the scarier second and third reports. He was there during follow-up exams. He was there when I stood unclothed in the radiation room, vulnerable and unsure. He would be there if the news didn’t get any better. I loved it when someone simply wrapped their arms around me and said, “I’m praying” and I knew they were.

• Help – I will never forget those who took my children to a movie, mowed my lawn, fixed light meals, cleaned my home, drove me to a chemo session (and stayed with me).

• Notes and letters – I still have them. Every word in those cards. Every signature. Every good thought. It all mattered.

We are called to encourage each other, even when we have no words. Don’t stay away. Just wrap your loved one in a hug. Let her know that you care. It’s enough.

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1. Debbie says:
   

   I do think most people only see 10% of the actual battle. Like the tip of the iceberg, so many people miss the pain going on inside.

   Thank you for posting this, Suzie. It really encouraged me to reach out more.

   Debbie

   June 7th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
2. Susan says:
   

   Hi Suzie,

   This is my first time to your awesome blog! Oh my, your books all look GREAT! I’ll have to get one soon.

   This was a great post.

   I’m so blessed God brought people in your life to love and encourage you. I like that you keep your faith when talking about the cancer.

   My son was dx with a brain tumor at 16. We’ve been there. He’s now a survivor like you. God has been so good.

   I’ll be back to visit again.

   So nice to meet you♥

   June 10th, 2008 at 9:01 pm

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