thank you

January 22, 2010 | family

I traveled to Fayetteville a couple of days ago to spend some time with Melissa, and to talk with a genetic counselor. As my daughters approach the age I was when I was diagnosed with cancer 18 years ago, I’ve thought a lot about genetic testing.

We met with a counselor and made a very personal decision on what to do (another post for another day).

But it was during that session that I had my aha moment.

Melissa listed her fam — me, her dad, brother and sister, grandparents. There was one little twist there with my biological father, but otherwise it was a straight shot.

Then it was my turn. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Easy answer, right. Two sisters. Two brothers. One older sister deceased.

No, that’s not right.

As we brainstormed, the correct answer looked like this: Two full sisters. One half maternal sister (even typing this hurts my heart, for she is my full sis in every way). Two half maternal brothers (ditto on the last comment). One half paternal brother and his sister, my paternal half sister (who I’m just now reconnecting with, and am grateful). Two more half paternal sisters that I’ve never met, who are somewhere around the age of my own daughters.

My family tree was confusing, not just to the genetic counselor, but to me.

At one point she asked, “How many sisters does your dad have?”

Easy.

Four.

No, I take that back. “When you said father, my dad came into my mind. The one who raised me. My biological father has two, I think.”

My aha moment wasn’t that my family tree was so complex, but that the family tree I define myself by is such a blessing to me:

My beautiful husband and his strong, no-bounds, we-are-in-each-others-lives family. My mom. My dad. My sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews.

My girls. Strong, fierce, intertwined in my heart. My son, my friend. My two sons-in-law that I consider my own. My blond, beautiful daughter-in-law that is affectionate and a joy.

And little Elle or Dylan (or Wyatt) who will arrive in July, my first grandchild.

I remember holding Leslie as a new mom and desperately asking God to help me give her something safe and stable–and fun and nurturing. That was 28 years ago.

What I didn’t realize at that moment is that He would give me the same thing. As I learned to love, I received it back a hundred times over.

My Heavenly Father somehow took a broken family tree and made it strong for that hope-filled young mom.

So for today, I just want to stop everything and say thank you to Him, for I am beyond grateful for what He can do, and did for me.

crossroads: discipline

January 20, 2010 | faith, family, feelings, live free

Melissa and I stood toe to toe. She eyeballed me, looking me up and down.  “No!” she said, and then she tossed the dishtowel to the side.

I sighed. A four-year-old was getting the best of me.

It all started with a spilled glass of milk. No big deal at all. She was four. It was an accident. Lucky us, a little corner of the floor would be cleaner than the rest after we were through. I grabbed a dishtowel when I saw the glass knock over and milk splash on the floor.

“Let’s clean this up, baby,” I said.

I had this wild theory as a mom — that if we tackled stuff together it taught the children stuff like “let’s clean up our messes”, and yet they always knew that mom was there to help them. And it would be fun at the same time, right?

It worked with my other children. They bought into the idea that scrambling to pick up as many toys as you could in three minutes was fun, especially if mom made odd noises or played music, or you tried to dunk the toy in to the toybox with deadly aim.

But Melissa saw through my plan. (more…)

going in circles

January 19, 2010 | faith, family, feelings, live free

It was one of our first big fights. I held the map (disaster!) as Richard navigated Loop 12 in Dallas.

“Hon, you don’t move the map when I turn. North is still north. South is still south. Just tell me what to do!”

I crumpled up the map and tossed it in the floorboard, and crossed my arms over my chest. It was hopeless! We were trapped on Loop 12. We had exited, we thought, only to find ourselves back on the same highway going the same direction. We exited again, only to find ourselves back on the same road, headed in the wrong direction. 

We couldn’t get off Loop 12 though we could see the road we needed to take in the distance.

Have you ever felt that way? That you’re going in circles, and that your dream or goal is just beyond you?

How do you get out of the crossroads when you’re going in circles?

In our case, we needed a better map holder.

Who’s holding the map in your life? Are you praying about it? Are you working as one with your loved ones, as well as your Heavenly Father? (more…)

go Richard!

January 11, 2010 | daily ramblings, faith, family

Yesterday our pastor called Richard and I to the stage. He was teaching a sermon about “getting going when you feel stuck”. He asked me a few questions about writing and changing careers several years ago, but then started talking to Richard.

Three+ years ago Richard worked at a mill. It wasn’t satisfying work, but it paid well and had great benefits. He worked there for 18 years. Though he didn’t love it, he was faithful to it and grateful for the paycheck. But he never focused on the mill or the hard, hot work or the hours, but the people.

As I listened to Richard share his heart with the church, I was inspired all over again by this guy I love a lot.

I learned from him. Lessons like, even when you are in a hard place God can shift your focus from feelings to people and God’s heartbeat for those people.

Or that it’s never too late to take calculated risks or to trust that God has a plan, maybe even a new plan that will take you far out of your comfort zone so that you can discover new heights and new territory in your life.

It’s not been easy starting over, going to school, changing cities, leaving a secure paycheck, but it’s been an adventure I’ve been honored to share with him.

When 2010 rolled over at midnight on January 1, I thought, “Wow, we’re finally here! It’s the year we thought seemed a million miles away.”

He graduates with his Masters in December of this year. His license will be finalized in December. He starts his LPC hours that same month.

Richard set a goal, prayed for direction to make sure he was on track with the Big Boss, and has faithfully worked to see it unfold.

I love you, babe. I’m so stinkin’ proud of you I can’t put it into words (or maybe I can), but you inspired this girl standing beside you on stage yesterday.

when you can’t fix it

January 7, 2010 | dear friend, family, feelings

Dear Suzie:  I have a daughter who will not talk to me.

The blessing I do have is that she lets me talk to my grandchildren. We live several states apart, so the only communication we have is that I talk to the children. 

It is so hard, I love her so very much, but she just rejects me. The last time I saw her was at her sibling’s wedding. I hugged her, told her I loved her, she said nothing. I just want to fix it. I’ve asked if hopefully she and I could go somewhere alone and try to get things sorted out. Her answer to me has been complete silence. I don’t know what I have done, because no one will tell me.

Of course I made mistakes when she was growing up and I will assume all responsibility for that. But I really feel its time for us both to forgive and to just love each other. Please help me, I am at the end of my rope. I love her so much and really need her in my life. 

Any advice? I hope so.

(more…)

The Gramma I Want to Be

December 30, 2009 | family

It’s the best news ever!

Richard and I are going to be grandparents! I’ve known for about five weeks, but we’ve been waiting for the 11- to 12- week mark to share the news. Yesterday Stephen and Leslie both called to say, “go for it, mom!”

My fingers have been itching to blog this news!

I can’t begin to explain how happy I am or how many people (in the short amount of time I’ve shared it) have already said, “You just can’t imagine it, Suz. This is going to change your life.”

I believe you. I really do. Because already Gramma Suzie is totally in love with this tiny little human being–and he or she won’t arrive until July.

I imagine holding him or her. I imagine his or her soft little body wrapped in a onesie and blanket, nestled on Gramma’s chest. I image a day out with just Big Dad (Richard) and me while Leslie and Stephen have a day to themselves.

My most favorite moment of Christmas–hands down– was when Stephen opened a present and it was a book titled, ”My Daddy and Me”. It struck him that there was a little human being who would look at him in a way that no other human being could or would. It choked him up. In fact, watching him choked us all up. I wish I had a picture of that moment, but it’s deeply ingrained in my heart regardless.

My baby is going to have a baby. How crazy is that? And the little bib I received for Christmas read “Gramma Suzie”, a perfect grandma name. Right?

I thought you might like a couple of pictures of when she shared the news way back in November…

Stephen handed me a book wrapped in Spider Man wrapping paper. Not sure what I’m holding. Yet.

Yes, that’s a wild and crazy look on my face. The present was my book “The Mom I Want to Be” but redesigned with “The Grandma I Want to Be” and a picture of Leslie and Stephen on the cover holding the pregnancy test that read “pregnant”!

One of the reasons this caught me by surprise was that Leslie and I had talked about this very subject that morning. She told me that it might be another year or so before she even thought about having a child. Here she is whispering, “I’m sorry I lied to you, mom. I just wanted to throw you off the trail.”

Good job, sis. It worked!

It just hit me. I’m going to be a grandma!

I’m tearing up again just writing this. So, my bloggy friends, thanks for listening to a gushing gramma-to-be and sharing my excitement.

Sincerely,

Gramma Suzie